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CHICAGO, IL - A 35-year-old accountant who asked to
remain anonymous, disclosed Friday that in a moment of weakness
he downloaded several tracks of pop star Jewel's newest CD
off the internet while auditing his client's books.
The man, who wants to be known as Mr. X, admitted that despite
a long history of illegally downloading copyrighted music
off the Internet, he made matters worse by actually paying
to download half the catalogue of the Alaskan-born, former
coffee waitress-turned folksinger-turned sexy pop diva. Now,
he tries his best to avoid the mocking glares of coworkers
and family members.
"I was going to swap them illegally like I always do
but then I was hit with this pang of guilt," Mr. X said
holding back tears. "I thought 'how can I possibly take
money away from the woman who has given back so much to me
and to others?' So I paid for the music and now I must wear
the shame like a horrible scarlet letter."
The incident occurred around 1 p.m. Wednesday, when Mr. X
decided to download the catchy dance track "Intuition"
for 99 cents while his coworkers were away at TGIF's for lunch.
But after listening to the song repeatedly on his IPod and
listening to the "soulful, rare talent with the flowing
blond hair and the adorably crooked teeth," Mr. X threw
caution to the wind and went back for more. He was in the
middle of an air guitar performance of a track off the "Pieces
of You" album, when he was caught. He tried to immediately
"play it off as Springsteen" but nobody was buying
that story.
"It's been a nightmare. My family has been harassed
and I've received threatening phone calls. I just want to
say that I will not be intimidated. I will continue to listen
to Jewel," Mr. X said with sudden conviction. "But
my Michael Bolton days are over. That's actually in the company
bylaws."
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Above:
Anonymous Jewel Fan accidentally shows his face while reaching
for Jewel CD. (Fake Bob Alert! Meet
the actor portraying the anonymous fan)
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