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GAITHERSBURG, MD— Gas Station attendant Jeb Walker
refused his 19th straight customer who requested the key to
the Petro Standard restroom facilities Monday, in part due
to his fears of the still-at-large Maryland sniper.
Walker, who has worked at the service station for more than
10 years, insists these actions are preventative measures
against shooting attacks and are in no way meant to punish
locals, despite claims that before the shootings, Walker had
used plenty of other excuses to keep people out.
"He used to say it was broken," long-haul trucker
Travis Bundy said while relieving himself against the dumpster.
"That is unless some drunk girl smiled at him and then
he's like 'lemme help you with that incredibly heavy keychain,
sweetie pie.'"
According to witnesses, Walker would regularly leave the
"out of order" sign on the door for months at a
time, always promising customers it would be fixed in the
morning. When that excuse began to get old he would just say
the key was stolen.
Walker admits in the past when he's told customers the toilet
was out of service, he wasn't always truthful, but this time
he claims his reasons are noble and "possibly even heroic."
"Look, someone walking up to that restroom with a giant
hubcap keychain is like a sitting duck for that crazy sniper,"
Walker said. "I'm doing these people a favor -- and not
because I just mopped the floors and I don't want no poop
all over the place before the end of my shift. It's because
I really care about my community."
Added Walker, "As for the condom machine, well that's
a whole other story."
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