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COREY FELDMAN AND BOB SPEND
WEEKEND BONDING, SEARCHING FOR DEAD BODY
 Reprinted
from Bob's private journal
Dear
Journal,
Corey
Feldman is my new best friend. This past weekend he took me to the
woods where we walked and walked, searching for this dead body he
heard about. I'm told Corey only does this with his closest friends,
which made it even more special when we finally found that fetid,
rotting corpse on the train tracks. Corey and I spoke often about
our dreams, our hopes and most importantly, our fears, during this
poignant and emotional journey towards adulthood —even though
we're both over 30. Plus, on several occasions, Corey cried like
a little girl! Anyway, we had such a good time we're doing it again
next weekend.
10.2.02
Corey
& Bob photos
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 EDITOR'S
RANT
10.9.02 — Hey
kids. First a bit of housecleaning: I'd like to say that September
was the best month BFA has had thus far and October is looking
even better. We've even gone as far as hiring several new
staffers now that the money is rolling in. Note: If you
haven't passed along our website to your friends, please do
so immediately. If you happen to have important friends in
the entertainment industry and you forward our website to
them, we'll send you a free t-shirt.
It doesn't have to be the head of Time-Warner— if your
cousin Lucy cleans all the tile grout in the bathrooms at
Disney—then that's actually really sad and you should
tell her to go college —but it's still good enough for
us. Just let
us know. Also,
the response has been so tremendous to our first crappy
poetry contest (the winner will be posted next week) that
we are introducing another one this week. The topic? Autumn
and/or Halloween. Send
in the best, crappiest poem about that subject and you
will also win an autographed copy of Corey Feldman's latest
CD, Former
Child Actor. Speaking
of actors with previous substance abuse problems and subsequent
detoxification and rehabilitation followed by long bouts of
parental estrangement, did I mention the little fact that
I met Drew Barrymore last week? Read
more »
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 Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
SHIZZY'S
MAILBAG
New entries 10.9.02
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 1970's
Chinese action star, Yu Weng Po offers advice for losers,
substance abusers and flabby, out-of-shape Americans. Weekly.
ASK
YU 10.2.02
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 Get
dating and relationship advice from Debby, the somewhat
bitter, mediocre-looking friend of several really hot chicks.
Weekly.
Read
Debby's Column New
Entries 10.16.02
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Ode To Merrill Lynch
Azuki beans are good for face,
But my chintz curtains fell out of place.
To show the world my true greed
And that I am not Donna Reed?
And if asked to testify
Crocodile tears I shall try.
Egyptian cotton clutched in hand
As I glide towards the witness stand.
Oh gentlemen, hear my plea:
My country house I do need.
I'm not a captain of economy,
But a Susie Homemaker, deceived.
I am just the girl next door.
Business has become such a chore!
When all I really want to do,
Is bake some brownies, cook some food.
Charges of insider trading?
Employee's coffers accused of raiding?
I simply say no, not I.
I cry, and cry, and cry.
I am not a monied wench,
It am really Merrill Lynch!
And to my dahlias I do retreat.
Aged scotch, very neat.
If I'm pinned, do me a favor,
Smuggle some construction paper.
Sent by Nicole B, location unknown
Are you a crappy poet? Send
it in
.
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From The Archives:
Bagels
are Jewish Conspiracy to Make Rest of World Fat
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"Rosie
O'Donnell "
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Vital
Stats
Name:
Rosie O'Donnell
Nickname:
Thunderlips
Inspirations:
Barbra Streisand, Madonna, Rosie the Riveter
Pros:
Multi-millionaire, loves children, new dyk-y haircut partially
obscures freakishly large pumpkin head
Cons:
Frequent testosterone injections interfere with TV schedule,
lovemaking. Industrial grade love toys known to short out
city grids.
Greatest
wish: "To be handfed a box of jelly donuts by Barbra,
while she sings the entire soundtrack of Yentl...naked"
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Sorry for the delay in posting the two contest winners.
We kept getting more entries and, well, we're lazy. They'll be posted
with a completely fresh issue next Wednesday. Send all others here
Epitaph of a Riot Girl
Your dress, your mouth
Soon come unbutton'd,
As long as you receive a cut-in
Hypocrisy begets convention?
Only in your best intentions
Blindfolded, but easily led
Never questioning what He said.
The only credit to your decree:
Accessory to the patriarchy
Was the payoff worth the crime?
You'll never know until you sign
Is it cold now, once exposed?
Go on love, your pen is posed
All for One and One for All!
All for One and One for Me!
All for One and All for Me!
N from Baltimore
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WORST
CASE SCENARIO HANDBOOK
2002
ETHNIC CLEANSING AWARDS 
