|
CHICAGO—Responding to a flurry of prayers from
Boston and Chicago, God reasserted his steadfast position
that he is still ignoring all sports-related prayers through
the 2003-2004 seasons.
"I'm not sure how to explain it so you finally get it,"
said The Lord and Creator. "But you heathens spend every
weekend drunk on the bleachers and every weekday watching
the game on TV and ignoring your family and duties, and suddenly
you demand I help some third rate ballplayer at the end of
his career hit a grand slam in the bottom of the 9th? Forget
it. It's not gonna happen."
His face strained with emotion during a press conference
at Harry Caray's Bar and Grill, God further warned that every
time a player taps his hand to his chest and makes kissing
motions or points to the sky after a home run or a particular
successful play, he responds by killing three or four hundred
beloved household pets and gives another million random sports
bar cocktail waitresses a particularly virulent yeast infection.
"That's right. Sammy Sosa is responsible for more than
1 billion dead cats and social diseases," God said. "I
hate to do it but how else am I going to get my point across."
While The Lord was explaining his policy in detail, he was
spontaneously evoked by several thousand little leaguers asking
for help and guidance at the end of their baseball season.
"I'm not listening so just stop it already," the
Lord shouted with his fingers over his ears and whistling
loudly. "Go away. The Great and Powerful One has spoken."
God concluded by giving a message to the billions of soccer
fans around the world.
"Sorry, but I always take my vacation during the World
Cup. I'm not even listening. Even if I was, most of the prayers
aren't even in English."
|
