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Boston, MA
— Tens of thousands of Bostonians who said they can now
die happy after their beloved Red Sox won their first World
Series since 1918, all suddenly died Wednesday.
People awoke Thursday to find lifeless sportsfans littered
throughout Boston and greater Massachusetts. Some had smiles
on their faces, but most had looks of intense pain and surprise,
sources said.
"I was there, I saw it first hand," said Harvard
student Wyatt Tremont, still trembling from the shock of losing
half his family. "The Earth just sort opened up and the
demon himself rose up from the fiery pits of hell, grabbing
them by their throats, screaming and cackling as demons tend
to do."
Spectators could only assume the unbridled exuberance of
winning the World Series in a four game sweep over the St.
Louis Cardinals led many to utter the phrase they had heard
many time before without consequence. This time was different.
"It's pandemonium here," said former BFA sports
writer, Tommy Shortbags "People are dropping like flies
all over the streets. At first, we thought it was some kind
of biological terrorism, but then we realized was only limited
to really die-hard Sox fans whose last breath featured some
kind of clichéd sports phrase. What were they thinking?"
"My son did not die happy!" wailed Carol Summers.
"He was 12 years old. He didn't know what 'happy' was.
What kind of sick person says they can die happy because of
a f**king baseball team? I hate you, God!"
Sadly, as it turns out, the victims weren't limited to the
Boston area; native Bostonians now living as far away as London
dropped like flies all over the streets, prompting local governments
to issue stern warnings about making any kind of sports-related
death wishes. Unfortunately, those celebrating into the late
night hours at taverns and parties, either did not hear the
warnings or ignored them completely.
According to government sources, many people who uttered
the similar phrase, "now my life is complete," did
not die like the others, but experienced complete euphoria
and joy for the first time in their lives.
The death toll was compounded when it was revealed that thousands
of New York Yankee fans reportedly prayed for the complete
destruction of all of Boston. These reports cannot be confirmed,
however, as of Thursday morning, much of the city is in ruins.
"I saw the devil himself," said one Bostonian.
"And the devil was wearing a Yankee's jersey. I'm sure
of it."
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Photo:
Boston fans moments before their sudden death.
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