BOB
FROM ACCOUNTING WILDLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THANKSGIVING PLANS
Reprinted
from Bob's Journal
Nov. 18, 2004
Dear
Journal,
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and instead of asking
my coworkers what they're doing and casually inviting myself
for dinner, I will have everyone at my place this year.
I put invitations in all my coworkers boxes, and even though
some of them still blame me for salmonella poisoning at
last year's company potluck, I promise to wash my hands
this time. I realize it was probably a mistake to tell everyone
that Tony Danza might show up, because we're not exactly
friends yet and I'm sure he already has plans, but I am
using recipes I took directly from his show. I'm expecting
a huge turnout so I should probably fix the toilet. I also
made a special invitation and handed it directly to Kim
Soo in shipping. I tried to explain the meaning of Thanksgiving
in terms she would understand, since she's Chinese and probably
has never heard of a pilgrim. I told her the Indians were
basically sweatshop employees who weren't allowed to vote
--just like her. I couldn't tell if she understood me. Her
lazy eye really throws me off.
SHIZZY'S
MAILBAG
Things
go from bad to worse when BFA's lovable prankster continues
at the helm of Starbucks International.
Read
part I Read
part II
11.25 new!
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EVERYTHING
YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT
THE PENIS, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK FOR FEAR OF HUMILIATION,
JOB LOSS OR AN FCC FINE
|
by
Tré Taylor, guest columnist Read
»
BFA IN THE YEAR 2005
Scott Howard Leva, Editor
in Chief
First,
I know I've said this before, but now that BFA is headed
into the big leagues (comic book, TV pitches) we realize
we have to update more often. One week --or God forbid--
two week delays between issues is an eternity for most of
you sloths sitting at your cubicles. I know. I'm sorry.
Stop sending us email about this. We can only do so much
with our mostly-unpaid staff of highly-dedicated
interns. This is not just a misguided attempt
to elicit donations,
We are still looking to fill a couple positions for the
new year.
In
order of importance we need:
1)
A Forum Moderator. Yes, we will finally have a forum.
We can handle the programming, but we need someone to breathe
life into it. Make it your home and bring all those friends
of yours who you will never actually meet and then when
you do, it will be a sad disappointment for all involved.
Expand your pretend social universe on the pages of BFA.
2)
Embittered Bloggers & Wanna-be Columnists. Some
of you may have heard, but we lost our biting, very talented,
one-time TV/pop culture columnist Bunsen
(aka Mark Lisanti) to the popular gossipy rag Defamer.
He's just been named in the "Genius Edition" of
this month's issue of Esquire Magazine. His head is even
more bloated then when we gave him space here. Writing for
BFA is a great way to inflate your ego. Like later, down
the road, after you quit and stop calling.
3)
A Link Whore. Someone to scan the web or the blogosphere
or whatever they're calling it nowadays to find the funniest
and most interesting stuff around. We need someone to do
this at least once a week, but maybe more.
4)
Actual Comedy Writers and Satirists. The bread and butter
of our site. I know you probably think you're funny, but
most likely you're not. Therefore, tell your friends who
actually are funny we are looking for submissions. First
dibs go to Los Angeles residents and/or attractive women
with lots of unused frequent flyer miles.
5)
Flash Animators. This has been a hard job to fill
but we haven't lost hope. Just think of the enormous pleasure
you'll receive by seeing your high tech artistry finally,
at long last, paired with good writing. Have you forgotten
we do animation? Well, we did. Here's an example.
Here's another.
6)
More Interns like Jennifer.
Interested?
Send us a note.
**Don't forget to send an email to "The
Tony Danza Show" requesting Bob get a chance to appear
on his show. Click on the link
here, sign up and beg.
Tons
of t-shirts in the BFA store
Tell
a friend about Bob!
The
Craptastic Movie Reviewer
