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Dallas, TX – Computer programmer Rich McNulty
is quickly running out of ways to hide bowel movements from
Carrie Brownell, his girlfriend of six months.
“Before we started seeing so much of each other, it really
wasn’t much of a problem,” McNulty, 28, explained.
“But now that she’s been sleeping over a bunch,
I realize I really took [the ability to crap in privacy] for
granted."
The opportunity for morning defecation is limited, McNulty
says, because the couple gets ready for work at the same time.
"In the morning, I quietly sneak out of bed and run
to the bathroom. I just run the shower and she can’t
hear a thing. But if she wakes up before me, I’m screwed.
When that happens, I'm forced to wait until I get to work.
And crapping at work is almost as bad as crapping around Carrie."
McNulty has used several methods to divert suspicion away
from his bowel movements, including taking showers at odd
times of the day or pretending he's regrouting the bathroom
tiles. He says using products like Glade or Febreeze just
makes it worse by calling attention to the problem. Instead,
he prefers to sit in there reading a magazine until the funk
dissipates on its own.
"At night, I pretend to wash my face. You just have
to keep the water running while you’re sitting there
and remember to splash a little bit so she doesn’t get
wise,” McNulty said. “Unfortunately, she always
needs to use the bathroom right after me, never before. The
second I'm done, she’s standing in the doorway, saying
she needs to touch up her makeup. I had to take out the mirror
in my bathroom so I could honestly say there was no mirror
in there.”
On a recent night out, the couple celebrated their six-month
anniversary by going to their favorite Chinese restaurant
for dinner. As they drove home, McNulty realized the scope
of his mistake.
“We were about 5 minutes from her place, and I knew I
had a doozy to unleash, so I politely asked if we could stop
at a gas station. Carrie said something like, ‘can’t
you just wait until we get home?’ The situation was so
desperate I had no choice to suddenly start a huge fight and
jump out of the car in a pretend huff. She was mad at me for
a week, but it was worth it."
McNulty hopes someday he will be comfortable enough to crap
around his girlfriend, but it's a big step and he feels it's
better to slowly introduce this into the relationship.
"She'll find out eventually, McNulty said. "Hopefully
she won't break up with me like the others."
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McNulty and girlfriend; Bottom: Public restrooms can be unreliable
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