 FROM
THE DESK OF BEN AFFLECK
Dear Satan,
Hey, what's up? Long time no talk!
Just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my soul (SOUL -get it?)
for the past couple of years. It's really been a hell of a ride
lately (HELL -get it?) . It's no wonder I won that screenwriting
Oscar!
Anyway, I can't believe how great
things are going for me lately. Remember how just a few years ago
Matt was getting all the attention and I was getting jack squat?
We did our first movie "School Ties" and you gave Matt
the starring role and I just got that one line like "yeah,
that damn jewboy." And then he went on to star in lots of big
movies just like that no-talent Chris O'Donnell and that ugly goon
Brendan Frasier .
And remember how I used to wish every
single night that a giant anvil would crush Matt's head like a rotten
tomato and then I'd get to date his girlfriends like Penelope Cruz,
Minnie Driver and Winona Ryder? Remember how you told me to be patient
and you'd only give him homo roles like "The Talented Mr. Ripley"
and then show everyone that he's just a dumb uncircumcised college
dropout loser who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag? That
was great how you did that. Thanks. I can't wait to see his face
when you arrange that child molester arrest thing next year like
you promised. Don't worry, I'll act like it's a surprise. LOL!
Anyway, thanks for letting me have
sex with Jennifer Lopez, and even though she's used to screwing
black guys, you made sure she didn't laugh at me. She nearly did,
but then she felt this awful burning in her eyes. I guess I know
who to thank for that!
I'm sure you read that we got engaged,
but please promise me one thing: When she eventually divorces me,
please give her a horrible yeast infection that never goes away
if you don't mind. Thanks.
Oh, one last thing. I'm supposed
to be busy writing another potential Oscar-winning screenplay like
"Good Will Hunting," but I still can't read or write so
well. Can you fix that like last time?
Thanks Mucho appreciation, bro.
YOU ROCK!!!!!
BEN
SEND
THIS TO A FRIEND!
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