BOB GIVES THANKS FOR BOURBON,
ASIAN WHORES, COLLECTION OF 'SMALL WONDER' ON VHS
Dear
Website Readers,
Normally I don't get involved
in the day to day activities of this website because, in all
honesty, I don't find it very funny and it's mostly a source
of continual annoyance for me in many ways which I will not
get into right here. But in the spirit of holiday good cheer,
I've agreed to the staff's request to say something nice to
the readers here. I'm not exactly sure what to say and five
hundred words is a lot, but I will do my best.
More »
Corey Feldman
is my new best friend. This past weekend he took me to the
woods where we walked and walked, searching for this dead
body he heard about. I'm told Corey only does this with his
closest friends, which made it even more special when we finally
found that fetid, rotting corpse on the train tracks. Corey
and I spoke often about our dreams, our hopes and most importantly,
our fears, during this poignant and emotional journey towards
adulthood —even though we're both over 30.
Corey
& Bob photos
BOB
DECLARES ORGY A RESOUNDING SUCCESS!
Los
Angeles, CA - Bob
from Accounting wishes to acknowledge all those who helped
turn the BFA anniversary party Saturday into "the best
spontaneous Dyonisian-style orgy ever." Special thanks
go to the fine ladies of the Ling Lu Bathhouse in Van Nuys
who were kind enough to sponsor the event. "It was the
single greatest night of my life," said the emotional
accountant. "Thank you. Thank you. I can't possibly thank
you enough."
I finally found a cheap place
to stay in Hollywood. It's the cutest little youth hostel
right next to the famous Mann's Chinese Theater. It's sort
of like a bed and breakfast, except with homeless people.
I can tell already it's just like a big family
because everyone on my floor shares the same toilet. My
bunkmate is named Ziggy and he's a young musician that ran
away from home and moved out here to be famous.I told him
all about my plans and that I probably could help him once
I meet Tony Danza because Tony has
just recorded a
brand new single and most certainly has contacts in
the record industry. At first he didn't believe I knew Tony,
but then I showed him my letter from his attorneys. Gotta
run now, I'm about to clean the urine off Tony's star while
Ziggy gets his scrotum pierced. I'm so bohemian!
BOB HAS 'EPIPHANY' WHILE
RETURNING STAINED HALLOWEEN RENTAL COSTUME
Reprinted
from Bob's Journal
Dear Journal,
I'm
not paying a fucking late fee on my Halloween costume. They
claimed I left some kind of stain on it and they wouldn't
take it back until I got it cleaned. Anyway, it was WAY too
tight and I had serious male cameltoe, which I know people
at work noticed because they were staring at my crotch and
then looking away quickly as if something was wrong down there--
which is EXACTLY what I do with Mary Kate from payables who
also wears spandex and obviously has some kind of giant freakish
vagina.
I was so angry I stopped at the corner store to get some bourbon
to calm my nerves and I witnessed a robbery! I saw this movie
once about a smalltime actor who got a job doing public appearances
as a superhero and one day he stopped at a store to buy bread
and somehow foiled a robbery and everyone thought he was an
actual superhero since he was still wearing the costume.
So the actor guy started listening to a police scanner so
he could keep fighting crime and he became totally famous
and slept with a really hot neighbor! Basically the same exact
thing happened to me, except I bought a bottle of Jim Beam
instead of bread and I didn't stop the crime because bourbon
is very expensive and the clerk was distracted so I just got
the hell out of there. But it still gave me an incredible
idea. I can't remember what the idea was because I passed
out before I got home, but it either has something to do with
fighting crime or bourbon... or maybe both. Note to self:
Buy police scanner and codpiece.
Weekly
Columnists Below
EDITOR'S
RANT
11.21.03 -
We are happy to bring you a special Thanksgiving "Best
of Bob" issue, which is sure to give you hours and hours
of delight during your holiday weekend. BFA will be back in
its full glory in two weeks. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nickname(s):
Poopy Pants, Tattletale, "Mom's Little Accident",
Buzzkill
Pros:
Knows alphabet by heart, says adorable things that make
parents gleam with joy, distracts parents from noticing older
sibling's rampant drug use and chronic masturbation
Cons:
Resorts to extortion, uses brother's porn magazine clippings
to make paper dolls, smells like combination of baby powder
and ass
Recent
Quote(s): "I'm telling mommy", "you're
in big trouble", "Why are you such a loser?",
How come you don't have a job?", "Mommy and Daddy
love me more than they love you", "Mommy said I
can have your college money since you failed out"
Reprinted
from Bob's private journal 
Los
Angeles, CA - Bob
from Accounting wishes to acknowledge all those who helped
turn the BFA anniversary party Saturday into "the best
spontaneous Dyonisian-style orgy ever." Special thanks
go to the fine ladies of the Ling Lu Bathhouse in Van Nuys
who were kind enough to sponsor the event. "It was the
single greatest night of my life," said the emotional
accountant. "Thank you. Thank you. I can't possibly thank
you enough."
Dear
Journal,
because everyone on my floor shares the same toilet. My
bunkmate is named Ziggy and he's a young musician that ran
away from home and moved out here to be famous.I told him
all about my plans and that I probably could help him once
I meet Tony Danza because Tony 
has
just recorded 
Reprinted
from Bob's Journal 
I was so angry I stopped at the corner store to get some bourbon
to calm my nerves and I witnessed a robbery! I saw this movie
once about a smalltime actor who got a job doing public appearances
as a superhero and one day he stopped at a store to buy bread
and somehow foiled a robbery and everyone thought he was an
actual superhero since he was still wearing the costume.
So the actor guy started listening to a police scanner so
he could keep fighting crime and he became totally famous
and slept with a really hot neighbor! Basically the same exact
thing happened to me, except I bought a bottle of Jim Beam
instead of bread and I didn't stop the crime because bourbon
is very expensive and the clerk was distracted so I just got
the hell out of there. But it still gave me an incredible
idea. I can't remember what the idea was because I passed
out before I got home, but it either has something to do with
fighting crime or bourbon... or maybe both. Note to self:
Buy police scanner and codpiece.
