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Since we are fast approaching
the approximately 2004th anniversary of my birth, much speculation
has surrounded the possibility of a Second Coming. To be honest
with you (I don't lie), the idea of a "Second Comeback"
fills Me with misgivings, and I worry that "unretiring"
would do damage to the legacy that I have already left for
Mankind.
I must admit that originally I had some serious doubts about
The Comeback, Part I, otherwise known as The Resurrection,
The Easter Miracle, or The Basis of All Christian Belief.
Here's a little newsflash: I'm still a Jew, so can you put
away the ham when you're evoking My name on Easter. Just FYI.
Thanks.
If you read your Bible, you'll remember that I didn't even
want to die in the first place —I was only thirty-three
years old, I was at the height of my popularity. I was sort
of like Justin Timberlake with better hair. I had this otherworldly
blank stare like Jim Morrison that people really seemed to
dig at the time. Dying for the world's sins was the last thing
on my mind, frankly. But Dad has this really persuasive way
about Him, so I agreed to get crucified for the betterment
of mankind. I still have the scars, by the way.
Now everyone wants me to come back but I'm just not sure
that's a great idea. Sure, you think you need me. But that's
what they said about Michael Jordan when he signed a two year
contract with the Washington Wizards, and yet he made a gigantic
ass out of himself. I'm not sure I want to make the same mistake.
Also, I'm not sure I'd be able to top my earlier miracles:
the water-into-wine and the multiplying of the fishes and
the upsetting of the moneylenders table in the Temple (I loved
that one, it showed that I have an edge). I'm not sure that
in today's standards, anything I could do would even merit
a David Blaine magic special. FYI, Blaine is Satan incarnate,
but I digress.
Christianity seems to be the dominant religion in the world
today. Billions of people get together and sing songs to me
once a week and pretend to eat My Body and drink My Blood,
which apart from being a little creepy, is really flattering.
My life is really a great rags-to-riches story for just a
carpenter from a not-so-great part of Bethlehem. How am I
supposed to top that? I don't want to sound immodest, but
I think I've accomplished all that I've set out to accomplish.
Then again, I have always wanted to direct, but is that reason
enough to return?
I've listened to your prayers, I've heard what seems like
a million confessions in all kinds of weird languages and
I continually nod my head as if I understand. I've even whistled
along with some of the catchier hymns. Preparing and executing
The Second Comeback would just take time away from these activities
and from time spent with My Family.
I understand the obvious arguments. I could certainly help
with the crisis in the Middle East between My Chosen People
and those foreign interlopers, but I think in the end, I would
be accused by the United Nations of playing favorites. I mean,
I really do like Jews better.
Yes, I know that the New Testament promises that I will return
to once again to save you from your sins, and separate the
wheat and the chaff at the right hand side of God (and yes,
technically I AM God, and also his son, but let's not muddy
the waters here while I try to explain it to you again, my
beautiful flock). But the New Testament also promises this
dramatic bit with the Four Horseman coming to wipe out the
sinful, and I think we are all now sophisticated enough to
appreciate this as poetry, and not to literally think that
"Death on a Horsey" is going to run roughshod over
the Earth, wielding a righteous, bloody scythe.
Please, that ain't going to happen, just like that whole
Y2K nonsense. So please understand Me when I say that I am
99.9% sure that I have probably ruled out the possibility
of a Second Comeback.
I Have Spoken.
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Above:
Jesus still likes the Jews better
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