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KANSAS CITY, MO — Reverend Bruce Philips, Head
Pastor of the First Methodist Church of Kansas City, disclosed
for the first time Wednesday that Santa Claus also knows when
kids are masturbating.
While most children had accepted the fact that Santa knew
when they were sleeping and when they were awake, as well
as whether or not they’ve been bad or good, the disclosure
of his additional ability was met with both surprise and anxiety.
“Kids really need to know in order to get gifts from
Santa, they would have to refrain from that kind of disgusting
activity,” Philips said. “As long as they’re
nice children who’ve been good all year and haven’t
been touching their naughty areas, they should be just fine.
“
Some area residents were concerned Santa Claus may be watching
the children too closely. “That’s a lot of pressure
for a youngster," said child psychologist, Nancy Stubing.
“They get so excited by the possibility of all those
great presents and in the days leading up to Christmas, they
really need some release. I think both Santa and Jesus would
understand this.”
During a question and answer session after the announcement,
several children questioned whether it was okay to resume
masturbating after the holiday season and if so, would that
count towards the next calendar year.
Rev. Philips admitted they might be able to “sneak one
past him," but it would be difficult since Santa must
check his list of masturbating children twice before making
any final decision.
Choir member Billy Adams, 12, didn't think it was very fair.
"There are lots of masturbating Jewish kids— plus
they get like eight days of presents."
Rev. Philips acknowledged the differences, but explained
that "Jews will burn in hell for all eternity with the
darkies and fags so it doesn't really make a difference."
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