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LOS ANGELES, CA —During a televised press conference
Tuesday, legendary metal rock band, Anthrax, alerted their
fans around the world they would be abandoning their old moniker
for a new, more modern name.
The quartet's new name, "Basket of Warm Puppies"
will coincide with the launching of the veteran band’s
first holiday album release, “I Love My Mother and I’m
not Afraid to Show it.”
"We’re the same band as we always were, it’s
just that like most artists we've evolved with the times,
said vocalist John Bush. "I think our new name reflects
our current attitudes and maturity.”
When asked if the name change had anything to do with the
recent terrorist scares involving the deadly bacteria of the
same name, Bush shrugged off the suggestion. “Look, if
that’s what you think, fine. But we’re the same
tough as nails group as we were before and don’t do shit
because of some asshole terrorists. It’s just a coincidence.”
Guitarist, Scott Ian remarked that when they chose Anthrax
as a name in 1981, the group didn’t even know what it
meant. “I saw it scribbled on my old roommates notebook
next to a drawing of the White House. I just thought it sounded
cool.”
The bandmates agreed, however, that a name change was in
order based on their new sound and outlook.
“We made a list of our top choices. Basket of Doilies
was good but it evoked a girlie quality and we’re no
girls. So we took the basket part which we liked and then
started thinking of things that everyone likes. A name like
Basket of Warm Puppies will give us the kind of universal
audience appeal our manager says we’re looking for.”
When asked how fans feel about the name change, there was
mixed reaction.
Tina Powers, 13, is enthusiastic about the new CD. “I
listen to it every single day, especially since my dog, Arfie
died. I love Basket of Warm Puppies! Do you know if the drummer
has a girlfriend?”
Longtime fan, Terry Camden 32, now refers to the rockers
“as a bunch of pussies” and says he’d "rather
listen to Journey than those butt pirates." His brother,
Josh Camden agreed.
"Basket of Warm Puppies makes Journey look like Iron
Maiden. They can kiss my ass,” the older Camden said
as he sprayed his collection of Anthrax albums with a steady
stream of urine.
The spokesman for Journey did not return our calls.
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