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DETROIT, MI—Before September 11th, Firefighter
Chuck Lipsky was a lonely man. A blue collar worker with little
education and modest looks, the 250-pound veteran of Firehouse
49 would spend a substantial portion of his free time pawing
dancers in strip clubs and trolling a downtown crack den for
desperate women needing quick fixes. Even his usually successful
strategy of loitering at retirement homes and befriending
aged widows was beginning to fail.
“When they saw me and realized I wasn’t Mr. November
on the fireman’s charity calendar, they usually just
laughed and hobbled away with their walkers,” Lipsky
said. “I tried to tell them all the heroic things I did,
but in the end they discarded me like a sack of soiled adult
diapers.”
Lipsky had no idea his life was going to change so dramatically.
After the terrorist attacks on September 11, he was no longer
the fat-assed mustachioed fireman bearing a remarkable resemblance
to porn actor Ron Jeremy. He was Chuck Lipsky, hero firefighter,
now the subject of newfound respect and admiration throughout
the country.
According to Lipsky, women began to show up at the firehouse
and even set up lawn chairs in the rec room, just to watch
him devour a family-sized bag of cheese curls.
“I told them there aren’t too many fires or other
exciting things to see but they didn’t care,” Lipsky
said. “Usually girls get grossed out by all the food
particles in my mustache and under my fingernails, not to
mention all the gas that I normally release when I’m
bored, but not anymore. It’s like they’re hypnotized
by my poor hygiene and lack of sophistication.”
According to another fat-ass, ugly fireman, Skip Logan, what
used to be tired pickup lines like “wanna see my hose?”
and “can I put out your fire?” now work like magic.
“They love it when we say those things now,” Logan
said. “Ooh I just thought of another one-- can I park
my big red engine in your firehouse?”
Logan feels like they can use this new popularity not just
for sex but also for money. He’s planning a trip to New
York to see the destruction first-hand and then pay a visit
to some of the lonely widows of the financial executives that
died so needlessly.
“It’s like all those New York fighters have given
all the overweight and unattractive firemen a special gift,”
Lipsky added. “Sometimes, during group sex with the ladies
of the Women’s Auxiliary, I see dead firefighters watching
over me and sometimes even rooting me on. It’s times
like these I know these brave men didn't die in vain.”
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