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Louisville, KY - Brandon Myers, 19, of nearby Emmitt
County stunned friends and family Tuesday with the admission
that he would sleep with pop superstar Britney Spears --even
if she were suffering from Mad Cow Disease.
According to witnesses, Myers made the sudden announcement
during a excursion to the local feed store, when a Spears
song began playing on his truck radio.
"He said he'd sleep with [Britney] even if she had SARS,
smallpox or a really bad yeast infection," witness Jessie
Winters said. " I was like that's totally gross and he
said he'd also have sex with her even if she had gonorrhea,
a blistering cold sore on her mouth or a bad case of the rickets."
Apparently, after listing a litany of infectious diseases
which would not stop his carnal desire for Spears, including
the flu, whooping cough, mononucleosis, the shingles and strep
throat, Myers mentioned that a Mad Cow Disease-infected Britney
Spears wasn't enough to keep him from giving her "a tongue
bath from the top of her head all the way to her famous little
toes."
The disclosure sent shockwaves through the rural community
as cattle ranchers are dealing with plummeting beef prices
with the recent news of infected cattle discovered in the
United States and Canada.
"I don't care how pretty or famous that young lady might
be," Emmitt Mayor Will Brody said. "There's just
no excuse to sleep around with anyone -- especially if they're
infected with Mad Cow Disease. I certainly hope other young
people in this county won't follow his perverted example."
Myers attempted some damage control after news of his feelings
for the 22-year-old singing sensation spread quickly throughout
Northern Kentucky and surrounding states.
"Yeah, okay, I may have said all that stuff but I was
just being stupid," Myers said. "I would also like
to say that no matter what, it doesn't change how I feel about
my girlfriend Betty Jo Gable, who I love very, very much and
she knows that I have had sex with her even when she had the
flu and was all phlegmy and disgusting.
Spears could not be reached for comment.
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