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Washington, DC — U.S. officials
made public a report Wednesday accusing Iraq of turning a
simple plastic children's snow cone maker into a dangerous
biological weapons mini-factory.
The toy, in mass production since the early
1970's utilizes an simple mechanism that combines raw ice
with delicious multi-flavored syrups. With a slight adaptation,
and a sprinkle of raw anthrax, it creates the perfect biologic
agent, according to CIA Director George Tenet.
"We have evidence that Iraqi children,
by order of Saddam Hussein, are manufacturing anthrax and
ricin in vast quantities using this procedure, while U.N inspectors
waste their time investigating known Iraqi scientists. It's
obvious we need to watch the kids a lot more closely."
According to reports, U.S. customs officials
grew suspicious when shiploads of secondhand Snoopy Snow Cone
Makers were found heading to Iraq by way of Yemeni toy dealer
and convicted pedophile Ali al Aqsah. In a statement released
by family members, Al Aqsah argued that "Iraqi children
really love snowcones."
For years, American children have enjoyed
using the famous toy featuring Charles Shultz's Peanuts characters
to create delicious icy treats. Only recently, during winter
months did American kids realize they could use the Snoopy
Snow Cone machine to manufacture enough Crystal Meth to supply
18 monster truck rallies and Robert Downey Jr. for a full
year.
Members of the Atomic Energy Agency warn that
while they haven't tested it, the Snoopy Snow Cone Maker might
be capable of producing weapons-grade plutonium by utilizing
a combination of attachments and accessories (sold separately).
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Photo:
Iraqis use the Snoopy Snow Cone Maker to build weapons of
mass destruction, while American kids just use it to manufacture
crystal meth
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