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FLORENCE, SC -- Brandon "Red" Brody disclosed
Sunday during a press conference outside the Chat 'n Chew
Diner in nearby Cheraw he has evidence proving bagels are
part of a vast Jewish conspiracy to make the predominantly
gentile world grossly overweight.
"I have information from very reliable sources that
these tasty and low-cost snacks were created in a blatant
attempt by Jews to make the rest of us fat through an influx
of complex carbohydrates in our diets" Brody said. "This
is no accident."
According to Brody, the Jews conspired to get the rest of
the world so fat and out of shape they wouldn't be able to
defend themselves and thus, the Jews could easily take over
the world.
"Our armies can't run as fast and our government officials
experience frequent lethargy after luncheons, and all this
happened after bagels became part of the American mainstream,"
Brody said. "Those Jews are real sneaky bastards."
Brody has always been suspicious of the Jews but when he
spotted a display of ready-made "bagel-wiches" in
a Hickory Farms outlet store, where nary a Jew is in sight,
he had to speak out.
"When I go to Hickory Farms, I want to see dried pork
snacks and cheeses from non-Jew cows," Brody said. "What
the hell is this world coming to?"
Hickory Farms would not immediately return our phone calls.
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