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BANNACK,
MT —The hatch-marked calendar on the wall might look
ordinary, but to 47-year-old machinist John Whipple, it is a
reminder the countdown has begun for a glorious day soon on
the horizon.
In just over two years, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, the
beloved twins immortalized by dozens of family videos and
8 seasons on the popular TV show, Full House, will
finally become recognized with legal consent status in more
than six states, including Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi
and Nevada. The year after that, the pint-sized pixies will
be considered adults in all states and may marry with or without
the permission of their parents.
John Whipple has been counting down the days.
"Sometimes I actually figure out to the exact second
when they'll be old enough to run away from home and live
with me in my cabin," Whipple said. "But that's
when I'm really bored. Usually I just calculate it to the
minute."
Whipple has been in love with the pair ever since a particularly
moving scene with their television Uncle Jesse, played by
actor John Stamos. “I was moved to tears, frankly. Never
in my life had I seen such acting talent attached to such
young, nubile bodies.”
When the long-running sitcom left the airwaves, Whipple built
a shrine and vowed they would never have be without a loving
uncle again. "I promised them in my letters that they
could sit on my lap anytime they wanted and I would give them
the kind of advice they so desperately longed for."
Whipple was very concerned, however, that after the show's
demise, the girls would stagnate and not be allowed to stretch
their acting muscles.
"Boy was I wrong. Me and a couple of buddies were watching
'Passport to Paris' followed by 'It Takes Two' one night and
we just couldn't believe how they've matured," Whipple
said. "We all remarked how nicely they were entering
puberty."
When asked if he would choose between the child-brides, Whipple
bristled. “How can I choose between the Ashley, the precocious
little one who’s better at math from the slightly taller,
more independent-minded Mary-Kate? It’s just too damn
hard. Besides, I don't think bigamy laws really apply to twins
anyway."
A convicted sex offender, Whipple was sentenced to 5 years
probation in 1995 for rigging a video camera in a girl’s
middle school lockerroom. He says now he’s not really
a danger to society because he knows when little girls say
no, they mean no.
"Boy, I sure had to learn that lesson the hard way."
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"Oh
God. Oh God. Omigod," says Whipple about Mary-Kate &
Ashley.
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