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BAGHDAD - Iraqi insurgents have continued to brutalize, embarrass and torture G.I. Joe action figures without any regard for the Hong Kong company or its subsidiaries who actually made them, says Hasbro President Herb Baum.

According to military sources, in the six months since President Bush declared major hostilities over in Iraq, there have been more than 400 reports of gross disfigurement of G.I. Joe's, 1200 reports of general taunting and humiliation, 6500 cases of rape and sexual abuse with a miniature broom handle and/or firecracker, and 12,000 left to suffer as a stray dog's chew toy.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld downplayed the reports, saying that most of the abuse was superficial and involved name-calling and just innocently observing the genital region.

"Most of the Iraqi's are law-abiding citizens who want us to help restore their government and give them the freedom they've wanted for decades," Rumsfeld said. "Unfortunately, there still are a few bad apples who think abusing an unarmed G.I. Joe figure by dressing it up in women's undergarments and having him give long open-mouthed kisses to his comrades, will undermine our cause. They are wrong. Dead wrong."

Reports in the Sunni Triangle, where most of the cases of abuse have been reported, usually consist of de-pantsing the army figure and then proceeding to jab a knife or pen in or around his pelvic region. The figure is usually left completely naked in the hot Iraqi sun where he is eventually found by a curious dog or rodent.

"Thankfully, G.I Joe doesn't have any genitalia to prevent even worse abuse, Baum said. "Otherwise Iraq might be a land littered in tiny plastic penises -- and that would be tragic."

 

Above: The rape of a G.I. Joe doll with either a miniature broomstick or firecracker is as common in Iraq as hitting a pinata at a Mexican birthday party


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