Reprinted by permission (sort of)

Dear Bastard Editors,

Hi. It's me, Bob (from accounting). I'm writing this letter because you put my private journal on the internet without my permission after I explicitly told you not to. Also, someone from your staff snuck into my apartment last night and took pictures of me when I was sleeping. When I woke up in the morning I was covered in peanut butter and fire ants. That was so funny I forgot to laugh. If you try that crap again I'm going to call my cousin who happens to be a lawyer. What do you have to say to that, punk-asses?

Bob (from Accounting)

P.S. Yes, I did get the t-shirt you sent. Thank you.

From the Editors 1/25/02

Welcome to our special Groundhog Day Issue! Actually, we've been way too busy following around Bob these past two weeks to care much about rodents — which has been especially difficult considering his constant whining and threats of litigation. As far as the Bob journal, we found it under his bed. Check out his most recent journal entries where he actually says "I'll slap their ass with a lawsuit so fast, it'll make your head spin." I think he's been watching a lot of Matlock lately, but it was kinda cute.

Secondly, and this is very, very important — we have a NEW ADVICE COLUMNIST beginning this week. His name is Yu Wang Po and he's a recent immigrant so be very nice to him. Though you may not recognize his name, he tells me anyone who spent time in Hong Kong during the mid 1970's might remember his work in a whole bunch of obscure martial arts movies. (I am way too busy to actually verify this claim) He's trying to break in the entertainment business here, so we thought we'd offer him a little venue to help ease him into our culture. See, we're not so evil.

From the Editors 1/19/02

Who is Bob from Accounting?
A Letter from the Editor

From 1/19/02

BOB ANGERED BY WEBSITE: 'YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET ME FIRED. PLEASE STOP IT'

Hello. I'm Bob (from accounting). The editors of this website asked me to write something funny here but I'm not really very funny. In fact, I can't recall the last time I made someone laugh on purpose. I'm not even sure what the heck I'm doing here. They told me it would would be therapeutic if I let strangers read my journal — which I'm NOT going to do. They also promised me a t-shirt, which I still haven't received. My life isn't funny. And I really take offense to people who think it is. I don't even have an internet connection, except for at work. You guys are going to get me fired. So could you please stop it now. And I want my pictures back. Thank you.

DOING 'ROBOT DANCE' NO LONGER GETS ME LAID, ADMITS OFFICE WORKER

Phil Klimczech was stunned beyond belief Saturday when the "robot dance" he had been performing at local nightclubs and office parties for almost two decades suddenly stopped working."I don't know what the hell happened," Klimczech said. "One day I'm the life of the party, having meaningless sex with women all over the tri-state area, the next, I'm getting my ass kicked all over the dance floor." (read article)

From 12/25/01

BOB FROM ACCOUNTING UNEARTHED!!

In what has been described as a true holiday miracle, Bob From Accounting was discovered alive Saturday in an underground Y2K shelter he's been sealed inside since New Year's Eve, 1999. With his food supply dwindling and severe boredom setting in, the confused accountant was prepared to face battle with what he referred to as “the race of ape-like men who now habitate the Earth.” (read article)

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Loser of the Week

Carl "The Hadj" Struthers

Vital Stats Marital Status: very, very, very single Assets: speaks three languages, 125 programming languages and "nearly Klingon fluent" Negatives: Since Sept.11, the target of numerous FBI investigations into alleged terrorist ties. Scandal has negatively affected ability to hook up with cute waspy chick in nearby cubicle. Professional Goal: to be discovered by comedy scouts at Don's Chinese Buffet, where he performs an open mic Wednesday evenings. "I'm really funny, you should check it out." I love: playing backgammon with my mom Personal Goal: to be the Carrot Top of the Arab comedy circuit

 

 

Bill Rapp Pontiac,

You suck, you suck

I want to break all your showroom windows

And make you eat the shards

Sent to us by Amy Hannigan, Syracuse, NY

 

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