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W hy
does everyone have to be so damn nice to pregnant people? What
is so damn special about pregnant people that everyone must
extinguish their cigarettes or move to some other seat on the
bus just because they're tired and want to sit down. I'm tired
too!
What did they do that's so special? Huh? It's
like they're treated like some kind of heroes. Let me tell
you something, the real heroes are the fighting men and women
overseas. Those are the heroes. And firemen who save people
from burning buildings are also heroes. Pregnant people most
likely didn't do any of these things. They could have, but
I doubt it. They're too busy being fat and pregnant and asking
everyone for help. "Can you help me up? Can you bring
this bag of groceries to my car? Can you help me carry this
sofabed up to my apartment on the third floor?"
At work, there's a pregnant lady who spends
half the day showing everyone pictures she got from her doctor's
office. Pregnancy pictures where you can't even tell what
the hell it is in the photo. Then she spends the rest of the
day asking everyone to get her water and lunch and everything
else, even though it's her turn to pick up lunch at Subway.
Or she asks you to do some of her work because she has all
this pregnancy stuff she thinks is SO much more important
than whatever you are doing. Then, when you're doing all her
work (but with no extra money), she is on the computer buying
baby clothes and baby toys even though there are rules about
using the internet at work.
Worst of all, everyone is always telling you
to put your head next to the pregnant person's belly and listen
to it for kicking and stuff. Would you just put your ear to
some fat chick's belly you barely even knew? Hell no. But
if some pregnant girl at work, who is about to steal your
vacation time because she gets all this time off with no fear
of getting fired, wants you to put your ear up to her fat
belly, there's a whole crowd pressed up against this stranger's
sweaty, fat belly. Then you have to do it because all these
people are like "you gotta listen to the baby kicking!"
What's so great about a baby kicking? If I'm going to listen
to anything at work, it's going to be my iPod. So then I get
forced to listen and pretend that I hear something, even though
I don't. All I hear is some strangers smelly sweaty belly
pressed up against my ear.
You pregnant people think you're so special
just because you got knocked up. Well, let me tell you something:
YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. You are just pregnant and fat. Do we
help a pregnant squirrel climb up a tree? No. Do we not try
to step on a cockroach or rat in our apartment just because
it might be pregnant? No. There are probably thousands of
God's creatures that are pregnant right now at this very moment.
They're not special and neither are you.
This stuff needs to stop. I can never get
pregnant and I will never know what it's like to have a room
full of strangers move out of the way so you can get your
fat, muumuu-wearing self out the door. I will never be able
to go to the grocery store like pregnant people and buy ice
cream and hot dogs and have the people smile and understand
when you say you have cravings. What about my cravings? When
I want to buy a hotdog or a tub of ice cream all I get is
grief.
Let me tell you something that's just a fact
of life: People are mean to fat people. Fat people are treated
poorly or ignored altogether. Fat people don't get good jobs
and they are laughed and ridiculed and judged by people who
spend a lot of time at Bally's like myself. Pregnant people
are also fat. Therefore, pregnant people should also be treated
poorly or ignored altogether or all the rest of the stuff
reserved for regular fat people.
All I am saying is that I am done being Mr.
Nice Guy when it comes to pregnant people.
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Above:
J.R. Farrelly is finished being Mr. Nice Guy to pregnant chicks
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