A
child's first experience viewing exposed breasts and nipple
shields on national television is sure to provoke a great
deal of curiosity and many questions. For some parents it
may be a cause for concern, but it doesn't have to be -- that
is, if you are prepared. Therefore, the editors of BFA have
put together a comprehensive guide on how to talk to your
kids about exposed breasts, public relations debacles, and
the mysterious world of decorative nipple ornaments.
1.
Breasts are natural and everyone has them. It's important
to explain to curious children that breasts are made by God
for both men and women. There are big breasts and small
breasts and tall breasts and short breasts. There are breasts
that resemble bananas and even breasts that look like old
cauliflower.
Since everyone has them people must sometimes make difficult
choices as to when and how they expose them in public. Kids
need to realize that certain people should NEVER expose their
breasts in public. Not at football games, strip clubs or even
at certain European beaches. Those usually include women over
the age of 45 and younger women who have other freakish abnormalities.
Overweight women may expose their breasts in public but there
is no guarantee as to how they will be accepted. It may be
necessary to consult with trusted friends first.
2.
Exposing breasts in public can be fun and/or profitable. Kids
will feel much better about the idea of exposing breasts to
a large audience when they realize there may be money or prizes
involved. You don't have to be a famous celebrity like Janet
Jackson or Paris Hilton to turn a profit with your breasts.
For example, kids love beads and girls can have as many beads
as they want if they show up in New Orleans during a drunken
vacation from college. Trading beads to see breasts is not
only tolerated, it's encouraged. Nervous
beginners may resist at first but soon realize if they have
really nice breasts they will get the really good, quality
beads and/or cash. It also gives motivation for young girls
to pay close attention to the healthy growth and development
of their breasts. Which brings us to point #3.
3.
Take
special care of your breasts. Children
will have no problem understanding that they are allotted
only two breasts and it is their responsibility to tend to
them and make them suitable for presentation when they are
older. Whether it be by doing special exercises or
even surgery or pills, people who don't take care of their
breasts may never have the opportunity show them in larger
venues like concert stages or sports arenas.
4. Accessorizing your nipples is perfectly normal and doesn't
make you a total freak. Whether
male or female, you don't have to be Janet Jackson to understand
the benefits of embellishing your nipples with beautiful jewelry
and ornaments. Kids love jewelry and it may be a special bonding
moment between mother and child when you take them for their
first nipple shield.
Parents should explain that the small amount of pain they
might experience as the steel spike pierces the nipple is
well worth all the future fashion benefits. Nothing says individuality
like having a special nipple shield that highlights your hobbies,
interests or personality.
5.
Practice, Practice, Practice.
Before
exposing your breasts in front of a large, paying crowd, it
is important to explain that just like anything else, it takes
lots of hard work and practice, practice practice. Nothing
is more frustrating than the sudden, unintended release of
a breast due to a faulty bra or partner who is much too young,
excited and arrogant to do it properly. Rehearsals always
make things go smoother and may help with potential future
lawsuits.
6.
Know your audience. There
are many people in this country who are willing to ruin a
perfectly good moment of breast exposure because of the presence
of children. This obviously isn't fair but until we have better
laws and more lobbyists in Washington, we are only allowed
to view exposed breasts during evening hours on cable television.
If anyone is to blame, it's the religious zealots and highly
vocal older women whose breasts should never be seen in a
public venue of any kind (see cauliflower description).
7.
When good breasts go bad. Finally, sometimes even gorgeous,
well- meaning breasts become exposed at the wrong time. Sometimes
one breast is released instead of two. Or sometimes the wrong
breast is accidentally released. Usually, if you think quickly,
you can remedy even the most offensive breast exposure. It
is absolutely vital to prepare your excuses beforehand. Begin
with total categorical denial. If your breasts are exposed
on national television, videotaped evidence may be available,
in which case you must blame it on either 1) a faulty garment,
2) the idiot standing next to you 3) or your horrible upbringing
by fanatical, slave-driving parents who's warped religious
views caused you to act out in ways you can't fully understand
without years of therapy and several divorces from abusive
husbands.
Thankfully,
it is often the case that breasts which appear to be accidentally
exposed, actually end up benefiting the owner of those breasts.
One might get a lot of television and news coverage that you
wouldn't get otherwise. There may be interviews, book deals
and high paying spreads in classy men's magazines. And if
you're lucky, you may get a free TiVo.
1.
Breasts are natural and everyone has them. It's important
to explain to curious children that breasts are made by God
for both men and women. There are big breasts and small
breasts and tall breasts and short breasts. There are breasts
that resemble bananas and even breasts that look like old
cauliflower.
Since everyone has them people must sometimes make difficult
choices as to when and how they expose them in public. Kids
need to realize that certain people should NEVER expose their
breasts in public. Not at football games, strip clubs or even
at certain European beaches. Those usually include women over
the age of 45 and younger women who have other freakish abnormalities.
Overweight women may expose their breasts in public but there
is no guarantee as to how they will be accepted. It may be
necessary to consult with trusted friends first. 
2.
Exposing breasts in public can be fun and/or profitable. Kids
will feel much better about the idea of exposing breasts to
a large audience when they realize there may be money or prizes
involved. You don't have to be a famous celebrity like Janet
Jackson or Paris Hilton to turn a profit with your breasts.
For example, kids love beads and girls can have as many beads
as they want if they show up in New Orleans during a drunken
vacation from college. Trading beads to see breasts is not
only tolerated, it's encouraged. 
Nervous
beginners may resist at first but soon realize if they have
really nice breasts they will get the really good, quality
beads and/or cash. It also gives motivation for young girls
to pay close attention to the healthy growth and development
of their breasts. Which brings us to point #3.
Take
special care of your breasts. Children
will have no problem understanding that they are allotted
only two breasts and it is their responsibility to tend to
them and make them suitable for presentation when they are
older. Whether it be by doing special exercises or
even surgery or pills, people who don't take care of their
breasts may never have the opportunity show them in larger
venues like concert stages or sports arenas. 
Whether
male or female, you don't have to be Janet Jackson to understand
the benefits of embellishing your nipples with beautiful jewelry
and ornaments. Kids love jewelry and it may be a special bonding
moment between mother and child when you take them for their
first nipple shield.
Parents should explain that the small amount of pain they
might experience as the steel spike pierces the nipple is
well worth all the future fashion benefits. Nothing says individuality
like having a special nipple shield that highlights your hobbies,
interests or personality. 
Before
exposing your breasts in front of a large, paying crowd, it
is important to explain that just like anything else, it takes
lots of hard work and practice, practice practice. Nothing
is more frustrating than the sudden, unintended release of
a breast due to a faulty bra or partner who is much too young,
excited and arrogant to do it properly. Rehearsals always
make things go smoother and may help with potential future
lawsuits.
6.
Know your audience. There
are many people in this country who are willing to ruin a
perfectly good moment of breast exposure because of the presence
of children. This obviously isn't fair but until we have better
laws and more lobbyists in Washington, we are only allowed
to view exposed breasts during evening hours on cable television.
If anyone is to blame, it's the religious zealots and highly
vocal older women whose breasts should never be seen in a
public venue of any kind (see cauliflower description).
7.
When good breasts go bad. Finally, sometimes even gorgeous,
well- meaning breasts become exposed at the wrong time. Sometimes
one breast is released instead of two. Or sometimes the wrong
breast is accidentally released. Usually, if you think quickly,
you can remedy even the most offensive breast exposure. It
is absolutely vital to prepare your excuses beforehand. Begin
with total categorical denial. If your breasts are exposed
on national television, videotaped evidence may be available,
in which case you must blame it on either 1) a faulty garment,
2) the idiot standing next to you 3) or your horrible upbringing
by fanatical, slave-driving parents who's warped religious
views caused you to act out in ways you can't fully understand
without years of therapy and several divorces from abusive
husbands.