You suddenly realize you spent all your hard earned money on a Sony Playstation and have none left over for a Valentine's Day gift or engagement ring. What do you do?

1. Grab an empty toilet paper roll, some tape and a marker. Improvise a statue that says "world's greatest girlfriend." If she gets upset, accuse her of being an unappreciative golddigger and run off crying. If this doesn't calm her down, tell her your low self esteem began in 4th grade art class when you also made a toilet paper roll statue for the girl you had a crush on. Accuse her of being a sadistic bitch and run off crying again.

2. After she surprises you by actually buying you a Sony Playstation, look sad and tell her you really wanted a gold plated cock ring.

3. Give her a beautifully wrapped empty box. When she looks confused, tell her "it's filled with love". If she storms out in anger, try same approach with hot girl at bar.

4. Tell her that her dog must have eaten your beautiful handcrafted Valentine's Day gift. If she doesn't believe you, kick the dog across the room when she's not looking. When dog begins whimpering in pain, say "see?" Then demand you spend the rest of the evening at the animal hospital having its stomach pumped. She will feel guilty and you earn bonus points for sensitivity to animals. Her dog will never hump your leg again.

5. Tell the truth. You'll get to spend the rest of the evening eating takeout and enjoying your new Playstation. Use the saved money on low-cost erotic massage.

You accidentally made a Valentine's date with two girls/guys at the same time. One, you want to have sex with and the other you'd like to dump. What do you do?

1. If you can't hire a body double who can pass for you, reserve two tables at same restaurant. Be prepared with excuses as to why you have to keep leaving the table. Tell one date that you are busy making last-minute arrangements for "an incredible secret valentine's surprise." Tell the other date "you just can't stop shitting."

2. Rub crotch area throughout evening. To one date, say things like "I bet you want some of this" and "Junior's awake." To the other date, act worried and wonder aloud if there's a free clinic nearby. If she asks why, scream "stop interrogating me!" Repeat as often as necessary.

3. Introduce both dates to each other and explain how you love both of them for different reasons. Offer to split your time between the holidays. If that doesn't work, coax them into insulting each other. Then sit back and enjoy the catfight.

4. Insert roofies into box of chocolates. Distribute evenly between both dates. Casually bring up idea of a three-way. If dates get angry, immediately say "just kidding" Have them pick straws on who will get sloppy seconds instead. Gauge reaction carefully.

You want to break up with your girlfriend (or boyfriend) before Valentine's Day but you are a coward. What do you do?

1. Explain to your girlfriend that on your salary you just can't afford to spend $200 on dinner and dancing. Then compromise and offer $50 for a hummer instead.

2. Before the holiday, hint you have a fantastic Valentine's day gift you're working on but it's a big secret. When she's snooping around, make sure she stumbles upon the stack of letters you've written to the producers of "Extreme Makeover," begging them to do something with the wretched, stank-ho you've been dating.

3. Say things like "I would never hurt you," then hurt her immediately afterwards. Repeat.

4. Tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you love them "too much." Then flee before they can figure out what that means.

5. Accuse your boyfriend/girlfriend of being "emotionally unavailable" and/or selfish, bitchy, mean, self-absorbed, dishonest, overweight and lousy in the sack. If this doesn't work, bring up the idea of doing a "three-way." If, for some reason that doesn't work, bring up the idea of doing a "four-way." If that doesn't work, STAY WITH HER FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHE WANTS TO DO A FOUR WAY!!!!

 

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