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BFA'S GUIDE TO REALLY BAD VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT IDEAS As much as it pains us to accept yet another Hallmark-sponsored exercise in American consumerism, the facts are simple: If you are unlucky enough to have a significant other on February 14, that significant other expects something. Something good. Here's a little guide so you don't fuck it up (unless that's your goal).   Read the guide » BFA'S WORST CASE SCENARIO SURVIVAL HANDBOOK: VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION! Read the handbook»   THE BRAD PITT AND JENNIFER ANISTON CONSOLATION LETTER GENERATOR If you're like us, you just feel helpless when it comes to Brad and Jennifer's failed marriage and inability to create a new master race. As is usually the case, A-list celebrities going through public breakups tend to rebound with regular, mediocre-looking, non-celebrity types like yourself. This might be your only chance! Write a letter to Brad Write a letter to Jennifer BFA PARTY UPDATE! The Bob From Accounting 3rd anniversary party is now rescheduled for Saturday, February 12th. February 26th. If you're hip, beautiful and desperate for attention in that drifter handyman meets Courtney Love kind of way, and you live in Los Angeles or close enough to the Hollywood Greyhound station to attend, send a note. Tons of t-shirts in the BFA store Tell a friend about Bob!

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Dollar Plummets Against Camel Cash News of Brad and Jennifer Breakup Drowned Out by Air Compressor at Macon, Georgia Texaco Hundreds of Filthy, Malnourished Cat Figurines Found in Woman's Home Real Life Loser Not Nearly as Lovable as Rob Schneider Opinion: I'm Really Tired of Being Mr. Nice Guy to Pregnant Chicks Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Hurls Feces Guy Who Said 'See Ya Next Year' at New Year's Party Already Dead

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CRAPPY POETRY CORNER Yellow Snow by Donald Demme Chicago, IL Stay away from yellow snow Or so goes the well known advice I must admit I've eaten it Not just once or even twice Three times might be considered a charm Not for snow that could do some harm Four times might have gotten me sick Searching for the snow I'd soon lick Now I just can't get enough I dream at night of yellow fluff I put some in my morning tea Nothing like a stranger's pee You may think I'm really wacky Cuz yellow snow is my favorite snack-y Don't listen to Dad or even Mom Yellow snow is the fucking bomb Now I'm sorta curious Of other advice which may be spurious Like don't eat the snow if it is brown When stepping in a large mound I think I'll just do as I please And not listen to people who tease About things they think they know They're all wrong about yellow snow!

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