Phrases of Affection

If you're stupid enough to utter the words "I love you" for the first time to that new girlfriend/boyfriend on Valentine's Day and then have the audacity to explain that THAT was their gift, you deserve to sleep alone-- which is exactly where you will end up. Most people are smart enough to know that saying something like "I Love You" doesn't cost anything and even the saddest, most affection-deprived person will know that you just pulled that one out of your ass. Most often this gift choice is made when you've completely forgotten Valentine's Day and you're suddenly surprised at dinner when the more intelligent one hands you something nice. Turning around and saying "I Love You" is not the answer -- even if you actually do. You're better off writing a check. Save "I Love You" for much more desperate times, like when she's discovered your caller ID and now wants to know who the hell Julie is.

Last Minute Drugstore Purchase

The last minute Valentine's Day shopper is always tempted by cheaply made gifts that line up the counters of drugstores. Cute fuzzy teddy bears with hearts sewn into their chest might work as gifts for guys (who will throw away just about anything you buy them at a future date), but they rarely work for women. If it's 8pm and you've just now remembered Valentine's Day on the way to picking up your girlfriend, you may find the store emptied of these items anyway. Hence, the totally unromantic Chia Pet, a rotisserie chicken maker or anything else made by Ronco — a company responsible for more Valentine's Day (and Christmas) disasters then all other companies combined. The Valentine's Day shopper should avoid these at all costs.

Anything Homemade

Homemade gifts are perfect for school age children who can't afford anything good with their allowance. After the age of 16, if you are still slapping together a necklace made out of macaroni for your girlfriend, then you will live to regret it. If you think you're Martha Stewart, you're not. Your handmade, heart-shaped Valentine's Day card cut out of construction paper is not displayed in stores for the simple reason that it sucks. Gifts that don't come from stores just don't count.

Fake iPod, Fake X-Box, Fake Anything (tits excluded)

If you're going to dole out the money for a totally unromantic but expensive gift on Valentine's Day, then at least get the real thing. Don't skimp for the fake, knockoff product just to save a few dollars. For men that includes electronics, computer equipment and gaming consoles. For women, that includes jewelry, watches, and Louis Vitton handbags. Warning: do not spend more than $25 on a Valentine's Day gift unless you know for a fact you're getting lucky afterwards. If you're not sure, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE remind them how much money you just spent during heavy petting.

Totally Inappropriate Novelty Gifts of a Sexual Nature

Mall stores like Spencers do huge business around Valentine's Day for those who think they can avoid spending the real money by buying something that's funny or sexual in nature. While men often equate sex toys with romance, women equate sex toys with being a dirty, dirty whore. If you feel you must buy a dildo/anal bead/flavored lubricant combo gift set for your significant other on Valentine's Day, it's rarely amusing unless it's attached to a brand new iPod. Now that's an add-on!

Self Help Books/Products

If your significant other is bipolar, overweight, self-loathing or just has small breasts/small penis, Valentine's Day is not the appropriate time to spring it on them with a book, a bottle of pills or a Swedish-made penis pump. If you buy your sweetheart a book on on "finding your spirit," you will be dumped before the third chapter. Women eventually figure out it's the man that's causing the problems anyway.

Personal Hygiene Products

Like the previous entry, Valentine's Day is not the time to give your significant other a not-so-subtle hint he or she has chronic halitosis, disgusting feet or copious back hair. Don't purchase your sweetheart a home electrolysis kit for Valentine's Day. Lord knows, he or she could probably use it, but as always, Valentine's Day is about avoiding confrontation. This also goes for beard trimmers, odor eaters, and fancy electric toothbrushes.

Crappy Poetry, Crappy Song

Writing a song or a poem as a subsitution for a real Valentine's Day gift will always come back to haunt you. I know what you're thinking: you will serenade your sweetheart with a song, or worse, a love poem and he or she will swoon with joy. Unfortunately, you're not Keats and you're not even Billy Joel. Sitting down and writing your love opus will cause nothing but embarrassment and the inevitable followup response, "That's so sweet, now what did you REALLY get me?" It might take you hours or even days to write a song or a poem, it only takes five minutes to buy some flowers.

Coupons for Kisses and Other Future Shitty Gifts

Here is yet another example of an intangible, non-store-bought gift idea that sounds great in theory but always leads to fights down the road. Here's how it works: You make a simple little book of coupons (often scrawled on the back of receipts as you pull up to your significant other's driveway and just now remember Valentine's Day). Then you tell your significant other they may redeem the coupons at a later date. One coupon might be for a back massage, one might be for night out on the town. Whatever they may be, this gift idea didn't work when you were a child and it won't work now. There is a reason coupons have expiration dates. Trust us, you will be cleaning your girlfriend's garage well after you've dumped her for your hot neighbor.

Cash

For men, cash is the greatest, most practical gift ever. We'll take it in any denomination, no questions asked. But women DO NOT like receiving cash on Valentine's Day. Like sex toys, women equate receiving cash gifts as being bought like a dirty, dirty whore. If your significant other actually is a dirty, dirty whore, then at least write her a personal check, or better yet, give her a gift certificate. The fact that you spent 30 seconds writing out the amount and signing it will boost their self confidence forever.