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WASHINGTON DC - In an exclusive interview acquired
by the editors of Bobfromaccounting.com, Puck Rainey, beloved
cast member of MTV’s The Real World San Francisco, has
decided to break his self-imposed silence on world politics,
terrorism and the state of the union. Our editiors conducted
the interview after a brief press conference in front of the
Capital Building.
BFA: It’s great to see you, Puck. Thank you for giving
us this exclusive interview. How are you doing these days?
Puck: I had a very trying day. I went to jail and got hit
by a car.
BFA: That’s amazing. Do you realize those were the exact
words you uttered nearly 10 years ago when you first stepped
into the Real World house to meet your castmates?
Puck: Yeah, whatever. I’m not here to talk about my
experiences on the Real World, I’m here to talk about
politics and terrorism 'n shit. That’s the only reason
I agreed to this interview.
BFA: Understood. Well, why don’t you tell us first, how
you felt on September 11th after the terrorist attacks.
Puck: I felt the same way I felt after those ass wipes kicked
me out of the house. How the fuck do you think I felt? I’m
not made of stone.
BFA: So you felt grief for the victims of the attacks.
Puck: It could have been me, frankly. Everybody is talking
about those hero firemen. What about all the bike messengers
in the vicinity? Ever see any memorials to them? Of course
you fucking don’t. That’s part of the reason I’m
here today. I’m speaking on their behalf.
BFA: Are you still a bike messenger yourself?
Puck: What a dumb fucking question. Would a bike messenger
be doing a press conference in Washington DC? Fuck no, dude.
I’m an activist now. I do speaking engagements all over
the country. I’ve been in great demand since all this
terrorist shit happened.
BFA: Why do you think that is?
Puck: Because I’m not a wimp like some people in our
government. The Puck tells it like it is and that’s what
the people want to hear [blows snot rocket].
BFA: Can I get you a Kleenex?
Puck: No, I’m cool. It’s no accident I am the most
referenced Real World member on the internet. People want
to hear what I have to say.
BFA: How do you think George W. Bush is handling this crisis?
How did you feel when we began bombing Afghanistan?
Puck: First, I thought he was just a big pussy for not nuking
them right off the bat, but then I realized his longterm plans.
BFA: Could you elaborate on that?
Puck: It’s sort of like how I feel every single day
when I wake up in the morning. My first thoughts are how I
can find and then maim those losers I used to live with on
that fucking show. But after a few hours, I calm down and
begin to methodically plan their destruction. Just like we
did in Afghanistan. We got evidence and spied on them, and
when we were finally ready, we let loose on their asses. It’s
all about the planning.
BFA: I take it you still harbor some resentment from your
experiences on The Real World.
Puck: Why would I harbor resentment against those ass monkeys?
I could care less.
BFA: I think I just read that Judd and Pam are getting married.
How do you feel about that one?
Puck: I think they are the ugliest couple I’ve ever
seen. Their babies are gonna be retarded and slanty-eyed.
The whole thing is just a publicity stunt so people won’t
suspect Judd is the fag he actually is. Fucking ass muncher.
BFA: So I guess you and Judd haven’t reconciled since
the show.
Puck: No way, man. He’s totally jealous of me and we
will NEVER be friends. Are you aware that during the first
week, Pam actually offered to show me her vagina? I called
her a pig and she suddenly began dating that no-talent, homo
cartoonist. He basically got sloppy seconds.
BFA: I seem to recall there was some animosity over a comment
you made about AIDS activist and former roommate Pedro Zamora
right after he passed away.
Puck: Yeah. That was total bullshit [another snot rocket]
Judd went around telling everyone I said I was happy that
Pedro died.
BFA: You didn’t say that?
Puck: What I said was that God was happy Pedro died.
It was punishment for sticking gerbils up his ass. Did I mention
I’m also an animal activist?
BFA: Since we’re on the subject, are there any cast members
you do keep in touch with – like Rachel for example.
Puck: Look, I told you I wanted to talk about politics and
shit like that. I don’t waste my time with those losers
anymore. Didn’t you see Jury Duty? I actually have a
fucking career. This interview is over. You’ve been kicked
out of The Puck’s house. How does it feel? Not good,
huh? See ya, bitch!
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