Bob From Accounting: "Life as a Trainwreck"

BOB: "WHO THE F*%# STOLE MY LEAN POCKETS?"
Bob From Accounting had his [expletive] Lean Pockets™ stolen early Tuesday from the office break-room refrigerator where he left them. The incident, reported to supervisors and coworkers repeatedly over the course of 3 days, was not the first time Bob spent his lunch hour searching for his [expletive] Lean Pockets. Bob was adamant he would find the [expletive] [expletive] who stole his [expletive] Lean Pockets. Bob further explained that because he was missing his [expletive] Lean Pockets, he would be forced to eat [expletive] and [expletive] from the vending machine instead. This could cause harm to his new [expletive] diet and [expletive] healthy lifestyle. Plus, Bob explained, Lean Pockets are [expletive] expensive.

BOB OFFERS AMNESTY FOR IMMEDIATE & SAFE RETURN OF LEAN POCKETS

MEMO:

To: All Employees
From: Bob (from accounting)
Cc: Darren Browne Senior VP
February 18, 2004

Whoever stole my low calorie Lean Pockets, please put them back in the refrigerator where you stole them. I realize it's possible that one of you took my Lean Pockets by mistake or maybe you can't read my name, which was clearly spelled out in black marker on the bag. Maybe you had Lasik surgery recently and your vision is blurry. Maybe you were hungry and couldn't afford to buy your lunch but you were too embarrassed to ask for a handout, even though most of you are selfish bastards who make a lot more money than me and you can afford to buy your own damn Lean Pockets. It doesn't matter. I will not be angry if the person(s) involved would please replace them. I promise there will be no repercussions and I will drop this matter if my Lean Pockets are returned immediately to the refrigerator by the anonymous selfish thief, who doesn't care that I have nothing to eat and was looking forward to those lean pockets all morning. They were the Chicken and Broccoli ones, just in case someone was wondering. I've never had that flavor before and they really looked delicious.

BOB NOT KIDDING: "SHIT WILL HIT FAN IF LEAN POCKETS ARE NOT RETURNED WHEN I OPEN MY EYES"

MEMO:

To: All Employees
From: Bob (from accounting)
Cc: Darren Browne Senior VP
February 19, 2004

I am sorry to have to write and distribute another memo, but my Lean Pockets, which were stolen from the office refrigerator yesterday, have still not been returned. Whoever stole my Lean Pockets will have to live with the guilt of knowing that I was STARVING all day long and even felt somewhat lightheaded at around 2pm. This affects EVERYONE in the office, because as you probably know, people who don't eat lunch and who are HUNGRY and UPSET are much less productive and have a poor attitude, because instead of doing their job, they are thinking about how hungry they are and wondering who could have stolen their lunch. I didn't bring a lunch again today because I was stupid enough to think my Lean Pockets would have been returned when I purposely left work yesterday 45 minutes early to give the criminal a chance to do the right thing for once in his (or her) life. I have been reassured that Darren Browne and others will not let this matter remain unresolved, despite telling me the same thing the last two times this happened. Again, I will close my eyes and hope that when they are opened, my lunch will be returned. If you see my eyes closed, you need to take that opportunity to return them and not accuse me of sleeping at my desk.

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