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Washington, D.C. - President Bush spent another day in seclusion
attempting to justify both his lifelong fear of homosexuals
and his love for the songwriting of Elton John.
"It's fuzzy math," Bush admitted in a speech to
GOP members Wednesday, where he discussed a proposed constitutional
amendment banning gay marriage. "On one hand you have
filthy depraved animals sticking their wieners through holes
in truckstop bathroom stalls, but on the other hand you have
the wonderful, melodic artistry of Elton John. I just don't
know how to feel."
Bush, who has stopped short of endorsing a constitutional
ban on gay marriage is clear in his support that marriage
should be between a man and a woman -- or possibly between
a horse and his trainer.
"I'm just so confused right now," Bush said. "I
just don't know what's more important-- honoring my inborn
fear of homosexuals or continuing to enjoy the music of that
'totally queer candle in the wind.'"
Bush says he has kept his love for Elton John music secret
to everyone except his immediate family for more than 20 years.
Around the White House, however, he still refers to [John]
as "devil-fag" and instructs White House staffers
to send vicious letters to his record label.
First Lady Laura Bush insists she will stand by her husband
no matter what he eventually decides. "He has to make
this decision for himself," Bush said. "The
President is a very loving and compassionate man, so it's
just his nature to be seduced by Satan and all of his perverted,
cross-dressing followers."
Added the First Lady: "We are all God's children and
should be treated equally. And if that means banning the music
of Clay Aiken and Lance Bass as well, so be it."
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Photos:
Bush hates homos, loves Elton
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