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ROME --The Vatican finally caved in against political
pressure as Pope John Paul II announced that masturbation
would no longer be considered a sin punishable by eternal
damnation. Years of overcrowding in Hell finally led to the
decision.
"This really challenges the clergy to punish masturbation
offenders at the local level," said Cardinal Adolphus
Clementine of Philadelphia's Loquacious Parish. "While
we think hell is supposed to be agonizing and painful, we
can't just sit idly by when they're squeezed in there like
sausages, no pun intended."
"There are murderers and rapists who are sitting around
like it's a country club, because we just don't have enough
fire or pitched forks to jab them with," said Hell's
recently elected logistics director Todd Lerner. "Absolving
masturbators would really give us room to grow."
The debate over masturbation rights first heated up in the
1980s, when the loosening of decency standards in the media
gave people more access to nudity and George Michael videos.
At the time, the Catholic Church found solace in the certainty
with which members of that group would live amid flames that
burn yet not consume for all of eternity. Then along came
Cinemax.
"There was just no way we were going to be able to meet
the scalability needs in Hell, despite what my retractors
say," Lerner said after recently beating out Benito Mussolini
in a humiliating election scandal. "So what we had was
a place of unending punishment where my minions and I were
unable to really give each resident the kind of one-on-one
attention they deserved."
"It was a lot like trying to punish your child in the
middle of Monday Night Football. You really can only really
hit him between plays and that's just not enough to really
get your point across," Lerner said. "Now if we
can just get rid of the lawyers, we'd really be comfortable."
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Above:
Hell promises to be much roomier very soon
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