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HOLLYWOOD - Fashion maven and acerbic comedienne Joan
Rivers was found clinging to life after the Academy Awards
ceremony Sunday, a victim of an apparent "West Coast-style
beat-down" along with her daughter Melissa. Although
hundreds of celebrities apparently witnessed the altercation,
none would come forward after police arrived on the scene.
According to insiders, someone probably took offense to her
well-known critiques and, in the words of "Cold Mountain"
star Nicole Kidman, "laid a much-needed smackdown on
her wrinkled ass."
"It was bound to happen," said "Monster"
star Charlize Theron, who wore a beautiful beaded Gucci gown,
coincidentally splattered with fresh blood. "I mean,
I really wish I knew who was involved so I could report it.
Unfortunately, I think I was looking the other way."
There is some speculation today that the surgery-enhanced
correspondent for the E! Network along with her daughter Melissa
are not as beloved as once thought. One star who requested
to remain nameless, theorized that ramming a microphone in
people's faces and then saying things like "Who are you
wearing?" and then snickering for days afterward about
the size of an actress's waistline, might be just one reason
to want her dead, although this celebrity admitted she would
be happy if Joan "were just permanently disabled."
"We saw nothing," Tim Robbins said as he and wife
Susan Sarandon soaked their swollen hands in a bucket of ice.
"I tripped going into the auditorium," Robbins explained,
"and I think Susan broke my fall with her fist."
Authorities are offering a $50 gift certificate to The Gap
for any information leading to the arrest of the person or
persons involved in the attack.
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Above:
Joan Rivers distracted by cameras while daughter Melissa gets
beatdown in background.
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