Reprinted from Bob's private journal (February 23, 2002)

Dear Journal,

You're never going to guess what happened to me. I've been asked to bring a food item for the office potluck. Usually, I'm just assigned napkins, but I begged them to let me cook something this time because I'm really trying to impress Kim Soo from shipping. At first, the secretary, who happens to be a total bitch, told me to just concentrate on getting the napkins-- I think they're still upset about a salmonella incident I caused a few years ago. As usual, I asked myself what Tony Danza would do in this situation. I decided to hold my ground and not take any guff and she finally gave me the green light (that's screenwriter talk for yes) I'm thinking about making my famous bourbon chicken recipe. Boy I love bourbon chicken. I know what your thinking but I DON'T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM. I only use a small amount of bourbon for flavoring. It's not supposed to get you drunk. Plus I really don't want to waste all my bourbon on those assholes.

READ MORE OF BOB'S JOURNAL! Update 2/25/02

Who is Bob from Accounting?
A Letter from the Editor

Untitled Love Poem

Sometimes,

I want to love you very hard,
but I can't just this second

Can you just give me
Like two seconds?

Sent to us by Aldo Nagy, Location unknown

Are you a crappy poet? Send it in

BOB USES PROFANITY AGAINST WEBSITE EDITORS, CONSIDERS HIRING LAWYER COUSIN

Reprinted by permission (sort of)

Dear Bastard Editors,

Hi. It's me, Bob (from accounting). I'm writing this letter because you put my private journal on the internet without my permission after I explicitly told you not to. Also, someone from your staff snuck into my apartment last night and took pictures of me when I was sleeping. When I woke up in the morning I was covered in peanut butter and fire ants. That was so funny I forgot to laugh. If you try that crap again I'm going to call my cousin who happens to be a lawyer. What do you have to say to that, punk-asses?

Bob (from Accounting)

P.S. Yes, I did get the t-shirt you sent. Thank you.

From 1/19/02

BOB ANGERED BY WEBSITE: 'YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET ME FIRED. PLEASE STOP IT'

Hello. I'm Bob (from accounting). The editors of this website asked me to write something funny here but I'm not really very funny. In fact, I can't recall the last time I made someone laugh on purpose. I'm not even sure what the heck I'm doing here. They told me it would would be therapeutic if I let strangers read my journal — which I'm NOT going to do. They also promised me a t-shirt, which I still haven't received. My life isn't funny. And I really take offense to people who think it is. I don't even have an internet connection, except for at work. You guys are going to get me fired. So could you please stop it now. And I want my pictures back. Thank you.

From 12/25/01

BOB FROM ACCOUNTING UNEARTHED!!

In what has been described as a true holiday miracle, Bob From Accounting was discovered alive Saturday in an underground Y2K shelter he's been sealed inside since New Year's Eve, 1999. With his food supply dwindling and severe boredom setting in, the confused accountant was prepared to face battle with what he referred to as “the race of ape-like men who now habitate the Earth.” (read article)

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Note From Editor: Debby is the only person to ever hold this distinction two weeks in a row. For that reason, we decided to honor her by recreating her prom. Except this time, instead of going dateless and dancing with the janitors, she was crowned Prom Queen. Moments after the above picture was taken, we dropped a bucket of pig blood on her, just like in the movie "Carrie." Thanks to John Byron of Tampa, FL who suggested this. Debby's Vital Stats Marital Status: "I've been proposed to many, many times. I just choose not to get married to my little brother's friends" Assets: Can't wear bra due to unusually strong nipple sensitivity Negatives: allergic to dust, pollen, cats, dogs, air I once: was friends with this really pretty popular girl in junior high and everybody at school really liked me and it was so cool until she tied me to a tree naked and threw animal feces at me. But we were really good friends before that happened. I collect: yarn...from all over the world. Also lizards. I wish: I was more like my new best friends, Jen and Angela. They are so pretty and fun. I do take solace in the fact that I'm smarter than them and they may one day be ugly. Quote: "I'm not a lesbian. Stop saying that!"

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