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Burbank, CA— In a surprising, yet perhaps inevitable
move, television has turned to the medical community and modern
DNA technology to help create the smallest, most adorable
black actor ever seen for the new fall lineup.
NBC Entertainment Senior VP, Doug Feldman commissioned the
firm Biotechnologies to develop the fetus more than 12 years
ago, when they were competing with ABC's hit TV show, Webster,
starring diminutive child actor, Emmanual Lewis.
After hundreds of failed attempts, scientists were finally
able to customize the fetus through modern DNA technology
just in time for a commitment on the 2002 fall schedule. The
result, measuring just 18 inches in length, and, referred
to only as "Precious" by the team of Biotech scientists,
is sure to be a big hit with the American viewing public.
"It took a lot of research before we had achieved a
fetus that met all of our specifications, Feldman said. "We’re
certainly ‘proud as a peacock’ to have the smallest
black actor in history on our roster for this fall.”
Dr. Anthony Sanchez, executive director of BioTech, brushed
off criticism by the medical world and quickly dismissed the
notion the procedure was in any way unnatural.
“We aren’t doing anything that nature hasn’t
already started," Sanchez said. "Gary Coleman was
perhaps our first tentative evolutional step toward the perfect
black child actor, although I realize his kidney disease had
something to do with it. But if nature is merely left to its
own devices, a Gary Coleman will occur only once every 40
or so years. That's just not fair to the nearly 300 million
impatient American television viewers."
According to NBC publicist Todd Kramer, "Precious"
has been busy getting speech and acting lessons and has already
been programmed with more witty and precocious catch-phrases
than the Olsen Twins had in their vocabulary at the same age.
"We're very pleased with the progress," Kramer
said. "Once the team of endocrinologists permanently
remove his growth glands, we predict we'll have season after
season of good clean family entertainment."
Current entertainment law has no stipulation for compensating
any child actor under 20 inches in length.
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