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Los Angeles, CA — There’s going to be yet
another change in the broadcast booth of Monday Night Football.
Long time sportscaster John Madden has agreed to leave Fox
to become the new co-anchor on ABC with incumbent Al Michaels
for a reported five million dollars per year. Unfortunately,
that leaves little room for comedian Dennis Miller.
According to Miller, he assumed the worst when he saw the
recent Nielson ratings. "I could see this coming more
clearly than Fiver the Rabbit with reading glasses. Mr. Joe
P. American apparently can’t understand what I’m
saying, and they’ve been complaining about it. What do
you expect from a bunch of modern-day, Jurgus Rudkuses whose
heads are so far up into their nether-regions that they need
to use a proctosigmoidoscopy for a reading light?"
Miller, an avid sport fan, was hired on Monday Night Football
in 2000 to bring the "regular guy's viewpoint" back
into the broadcast booth. He thought he was doing a great
job, when he heard the news John Madden was hired.
"I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen,"
Miller said. "But I knew it was gonna be bad for the
D-man. I might as well have been Casaubon watching the pendulum
swing from behind the periscope."
Miller admitted he was somewhat disappointed he wouldn't
be brought back for a third season, but was thankful for the
experience most football fans can only dream about. "When
I first got that gig, and it hit me that I’m going to
be talking sports with Albino and Foutsy, I was on top of
the world,. I thought I was Helios driving the chariot, know
what I’m saying? Now, it’s clear the whole time
I was actually Phaeton," Miller said.
"I don’t mean to get off on a rant here, but I
have to say that I expected a little more loyalty from those
network honchos. Maybe not as much as Eumaios the swineherd,
I’m a realist after all, but at least as much as Bazin
for his Aramis. But no, I was abandoned like Miles and Flora
in Bly. I was shot down so hard, I might as well change my
name to Crispus Attucks Miller. To be honest, I’m so
angry right now that the thoughts I’m having would make
Chuck Palahniuk blush."
Miller came to national prominence as the weekend update
anchor on Saturday Night Live, followed by a lucrative stand-up
career and a long-running HBO talk show. He is still very
confident about his future possibilities.
"Oh, don’t worry about the Den," Miller said.
"My agent’s the love child of The Scarlet Pimpernel
and Rube Goldberg, so you know he’s figuring out something
great. And, when the next thing comes my way, I’ll be
on it like Clare Quilty on Dolores. I’m the Howard Roark
of the entertainment industry. I’ll be listening to the
whispers like O’Brien on Winston Smith. And it’ll
be so big, it’ll be like Amancio Ortega starring in a
Horatio Alger tome."
In the end, Miller agreed it was probably the best decision
under the circumstances. "Look, I’m upset but I
would have done the same thing. They got the Maddinator to
yak it up with Michaels. How lucky is that? The only way this
could have played out better is if Greg Toland and Janusz
Kaminski discussed it over scones with Akira Kurosawa. Best
of luck to them."
Added Miller, "Of course, that’s my sesquipedalian
opinion. I could be wrong.”
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"I might as well have been Casaubon watching the pendulum
swing from behind the periscope," says Miller about his
recent dismissal from Monday Night Football.
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