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In the detainment camp known
as Camp X-Ray, where hundreds of Taliban and al-Qaida fighters
are being held, they refer to Amar Shazaraf as al-hijjabuza,
or "The Sad Witness." Pale, thin, and shivering,
the ex-mujahadin strong man was once the vice-captain of Osama
Bin Laden's personal guard. Today, he spends most of his time
collapsed against an isolated corner of his cell, barely even
aware of his surroundings. To his captors, his doctors, and
even his fellow inmates, he utters only two words in a weak,
trembling voice: Bazooka Joe.
Not a single Afghan or Taliban or al Qaida warrior hasn't
heard the tale of the half-man, half-demon American teenager,
armed only with a magic bazooka and recognizable by his blond
hair and frightening eye patch. It is what they fear most,
but to be so close to a witness is more than even the most
hardened guerilla can bear.
"They say he feels no pain," says Amin Azar, a
former Taliban police officer. "He has but one eye because
he gouged the other out as a symbol of loyalty to the devil.
American sorcerers gave his other eye the power to see through
stone!"
Another prisoner explains further. "His companion wears
a shirt that covers his face. I have heard this is to hide
the razor sharp teeth he uses to chew out the throats of sleeping
babies," Azar said. "Please don't make me leave
this jail," he openly sobs.
All evidence and descriptions seems to indicate the Bazooka
Joe that Shazaraf and others refer to is the same one-eyed,
mischievous cartoon character featured on Bazooka bubble gum
packages since 1953. American Special Forces recently discovered
a cache of tiny cartoons in a bunker near Tora Bora. Nobody
is sure how they got their hands on the cartoons or how the
rumors spread from there.
Middle East expert, Ronald Aggers, points out that in the
minds of the Afghanis, Bazooka Joe is far from an amusing
cartoon. To them, he is the devil only far worse because he
comes disguised as a happy-go-lucky American child.
"Most Afghanis have no other access to the English language
then the occasional stick of bubblegum sold on the black market,"
Aggers said. "It's highly likely they couldn't understand
the cartoons and took them as some kind of horrible warning
of the death they would incur at his hands. And then the next
thing you know, Bazooka Joe is blowing up buildings with his
nuclear-powered sling shot or slaughtering 35 Pashtun families
in their sleep. Legends just tend to snowball like that."
In Camp X-Ray, however, the notion that Bazooka Joe is just
a cartoon is dismissed as American lies. Amar Sharazaf is
their living proof. "Sharazaf was in a cave Tora Bora
with his lieutenants, I'm told," a fellow inmate said.
"There was a huge explosion and suddenly the door caved
in. It was Bazooka Joe! He shot some wives and children, and
the others, he used his mental powers to explode their heads
so he could steal their souls!
Aggers agrees the rumors have gotten out of hand but it's
no different then our version of Bigfoot or Yeti or the Lochness
Monster. "I gotta admit," chuckles Aggers, "I
can't really blame them. I've been chewing that gum for years,
and damned if I can understand the cartoons either."
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Top:
Bazooka Joe's bloodthirsty gang. Bottom: Bazooka Joe missing
eyeball
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