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New York, NY — Last week, Forbes
Magazine released its 16th annual ranking of the world’s
billionaires, which showed the number of billionaires making
the list has fallen eight percent, from 538 to 497, and it
was reported that for every new billionaire added to the list,
at least two others were forced to depart. The findings have
created almost universal feelings of mock anger and false
sympathy from the rest of the population.
“I guess that means there are a lot of
guys out there who went from the prestige of being billionaires
to the more mundane title of multi-multi-millionaires,”
said Jason Packer, an unemployed factory worker who took a
job as a cashier to meet expenses. “I hate to think of
what that’s doing to their self-esteem. Poor bastards.”
While the list contained many surprises, most
billionaires retained their status from past years. Bill Gates,
founder of Microsoft, remained the world’s richest man
for the eighth consecutive year, even after losing more than
$6 billion during the recent economic downturn.
“Well that’s just fantastic. Really
glad to hear it,” said 1999 Princeton graduate Scott
Lucas while filling out an application at the Manpower temp
agency. “If I can't pay my electric bill this month,
at least I can keep warm knowing that there’s more money
in that fucker's bank account. I'm really happy for him. Really
fucking happy for him. Fuck."
Not all of the billionaires fared as well as
Gates in the past few years. One of the hardest hit was Japanese
investor Masayoshi Son, head of Softbank Corporation, which
lost a large percentage of its value over the past two years,
and Masayoshi lost billions in personal worth during the same
period. It is estimated that his assets have shrunk down to
somewhere in the hundreds of millions.
Upon learning of Masayoshi’s plight, recently
laid off IT professional, Samuel Franklin expressed a great
deal of rage masked as understanding. “I can only imagine
what that gentleman must be going through. Two years ago,
he was rich enough to buy his
own island, and now he can only afford 10 underaged Geishas
to rub his aching muscles at the end of the day. Hey, maybe
I can sign over my severance check to him. Do you have his
address? I’d sure like to send him a fucking Hallmark
Card.”
In a national survey conducted recently by
Gallup, nearly .1% of Americans polled felt "somewhat
bad" or "terribly bad" about the recent billionaire
hardships. Gallup was quick to point out that the relatively
high numbers do not take sarcasm into account.
President Bush, reacting to the public outcry,
responded by immediately proposing further tax breaks for
our nation’s wealthiest, and has urged Congress to set
aside two billion dollars for food stamps, golf club memberships,
and underaged Asian whores.
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Above:
Bill Gates lost billions this year, but retained his title
as world's richest man. "I'm really fucking happy for
him," says temp worker.
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