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Millford, CT —After loosing an unprecedented 235 pounds,
Jared “Subway” Fogle, made the shocking revelation
yesterday that he is "still fat on the inside."
Fogle made the startling announcement at a packed press conference
that included his family, devoted followers and celebrity
girlfriend Natalie Portman. “I can no longer live this
lie,” Fogle said to the hushed crowd. “Even after
all the pounds, the beach parties, the
women, I must face up to the ugly truth that within me still
beats the heart of a big fat, tub o' lard,” continued
Fogle, crying into a delicious Stuffed Turkey Supreme™.
Fogle first gained fame as the man who claimed he went from
425 to 190 pounds eating two Subway sandwiches every day for
a year. Since then, Jared’s remarkable weight loss has
been at the forefront of Subway’s most successful ad
campaign, the diet trend of the millennium.
“I’d never seen anything like it,” said Subway
representative, Alison Graham, on her first meeting with Jared.
“I went directly to [Subway CEO] Fred DeLuca, and realized
that Jared was the answer to our prayers for the Great American
Sandwich Saturation™.”
Little did executives know after losing all the weight,
there would still exist the man who grew up taunted and ridiculed
by the schoolyard bully, the man who didn't have a date to
the junior or senior prom and had to pay for his first sexual
experience with a woman.
Subway representatives reacted to the disarming news by claiming
they had no prior knowledge that a fat man still lived deep
in the bowels of Jared’s svelt new figure, and offered
to pay a portion of Fogle's therapy bills.
Longtime Jared disciple, Emily Bozeman, who had lost 87 pounds
using Jared’s remarkable sandwich system, has gained
23 pounds since yesterdays revelation. “He might as well
John Goodman now,” said Bozeman, engulfing a footlong
BLT. “It’s all over. The dream is over.”
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"I
might as well still be 425 pounds because I'll never ever
be happy!" said Jared
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