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GENEVA - European countries on Monday applauded a
decision by Switzerland to join the United Nations after 57
years on the sidelines - a decision that Swiss opponents feared
would threaten the country's centuries-old tradition of "being
scared little wussies."
``It is a step toward opening relations with the surrounding
world,'' announced the Stockholm daily newspaper Svenska Dagbladet.
"The Swiss have spoken and have decided they must join
the global community, despite their fears of getting a severe
ass-beating every once in awhile from other, meaner countries."
As a result of the vote, Switzerland will become the 190th
U.N. member at the General Assembly in September. Although
Switzerland was a member of the League of Nations, it had
steadfastly refused to join the United Nations since its creation
at the end of World War II. It decided early on to stick to
what they do best— making fine chocolates, manufacturing
watches and knives, and spending the billions stolen from
Holocaust survivors.
The government pushed the latest initiative, believing that
the political climate had changed and that it was time for
the 7 million Swiss to play a full role in world politics
and decision-making.
U.N Secretary General Kofi Annan was pleased by the decision
and immediately made the announcement future meetings might
include "a really bitchin' ski weekend."
"Our people have nothing to fear," Swiss Foreign
Minister Joseph Deiss said. "Our country can now bring
forth our values, our traditions, and our good services into
the U.N. and I have been given solemn promises that the other
member countries would only yell at Swiss diplomats occasionally,
and not actually bomb us."
When pressed for his country's official opinion on the war
on terrorism, Deiss cowered in the corner, bursting out in
tears. "Please don't hurt us. I beg of you!"
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