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by Miles Kahn

Bangor, ME — Chad Roberts was a teenager on a mission. He had saved his money for nearly six months and spent countless hours pouring over designs before finally deciding on the tattoo that was sure to make him an outcast and the object of scorn and derision in his suburban Metting neighborhood.

Instead, Roberts, a 16-year-old junior at Gilcrest High, who earned the money from washing dishes at the Sea Shanty Bar and Grill, was astonished to discover his new ominous-looking tattoo had failed to failed to instill either fear or intense hatred with either his classmates or neighborhood locals. Roberts can't understand why.

“The design for 'The Copper Dagger of Inanna of Calling' came forth from thy Necronomicon, and can be found within the Holy Book of Calling,” explains Roberts as he applies white pancake base to his face and neck. “For as a Priest of Magick, the dagger is a warning to non-believers that I alone can invocate the Four Gates.”

On his first public outing, Roberts was questioned by Rosa McDillion, proprietor of the Stop & Dime, who asked if the design was Celtic. “Celtic?” scoffed Roberts. “It’s from the Book of the Dark Lord, but you’ll never understand, you in your small little Stop & Dime world. I shay pray for thy quick death.” at which point Roberts slammed the door on the confused McDillion and returned to his father’s Lexus GL 3000

Since the Stop & Dime incident, there have been dozens of similar outings at the Gas & Sip, the Chat 'n Chew, and Home Depot, all ending in little disruption and relative calm among the curious townsfolk.

Ray Billings, owner of“Ink & Bangor,” recalls the piece commissioned by Roberts as some sort of "cute dark lord thingy."

"The whole time he was rubbing his hands together and saying things like 'wait until they see this' then he let out some kind of sinister, manical laugh," said Billings, who himself is covered head to toe with body art, including a swastika and a dead two-headed baby.

“I thought he was on his way to some costume party or something, and then he went into this whole purification thing and something about Onya or Ivana or something. I just turned the radio up and sort of tuned him out."

Roberts has chosen to keep the tattoo hidden from his mother until the he masters ‘The Conjuration of Banishment’ which he plans to use against her in an attempt to retrieve his car privileges.

Above: Roberts plans an 'even more scary tattoo' that will make his parents cry

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