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TIRANA, ALBANIA —Loki Bovnikoff polishes his two
gold medals at his Albanian winter retreat and waxes nostalgic
on his early days as an Olympic hopeful. “As a young
competitor, I could only fantasize about these medals. Now,
with my dreams fulfilled, I wish only to share what I’ve
learned with the world. And to tend to my sad, shriveled nuts.”
Loki snatched his medals and the world’s attention in
Atlanta in 1996 when he "clean and jerked" 986lbs
to break the previous record set by Jorgy Olifson back in
1984. A tearful Loki dedicated his win to his new born baby,
Yoakum, whom he considered a medical miracle since his longterm
use of banned steroids had turned his testicles into what
now resemble dormant raisins.
The United Federation of Weightlifting has invited Loki to
come and instruct the next generation of hopefuls at the Krakow
Institute this fall. “If a young lifter expects to lift
600 pounds without fully mastering ‘Lintok Form’
or ‘Grandov’s Hold,’ he is surely mistaken.
Also, lots and lots of rage-inducing steroids. Those are helpful
as well.”
Among the students that hope to gain from Loki’s wisdom,
is US deadlift hopeful, Dan Baxt. “I remember being in
Atlanta and watching Loki’s face as he jerked himself
into the record books. After the weights hit the ground, he
curled up in a ball on the floor, clenched his deformed ballsack,
and wept into his newly budding man breasts,” Baxt said.
"It was really something to behold."
Loki hopes now that his weightlifting career has ended he
will be able to continue doing what he loves most, teaching
youngsters, spending time with his family, traveling the world
and applying an anti-inflammatory salve to his testicles.
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Above:
"I broke the record, but all I could think about was
how much my ball sack ached," said former Olympian Loki
Bovnikoff
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