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Big Bear Lake, CA - Despite numerous kidnappings,
murders and unsolved crimes in the neighborhood, The Hanscum
family is not quite ready to part with their favorite drifter
handyman, Pete "Big Red" McGregor, no matter what
they hear on the news.
"Our drifter handyman is wonderful at fixing the lawnmower
and painting trim on the porch," said Lisa Hanscum. "And
despite his enormous size and glass eye, he's as gentle as
a bunny."
"I love Big Red!" said 7-year-old Amanda Hanscum
who doesn't understand why neighborhood kids aren't allowed
anywhere near the Hanscum residence. "I love when we
play 'find my wallet.' I always win!"
Neighbors are terrified of McGregor and are quick to point
out the recent Elizabeth Smart abduction as well as legendary
tales of drifter handymen chopping up local families with
a weed whacker just moments after finishing the lawn.
"The drifter handyman is not a monster," says drifter
handyman John Doe, of whereabouts unknown. "We provide
our valuable skills of completing easy household chores left
undone by lazy or absent husbands without the homeowner having
to fill out those tricky social security forms."
There has been so much backlash against the near-homeless
artisans that local attorney Bill Doty is considering filing
a class action lawsuit against specific members of the media
who have targeted the drifter handyman as some kind of murderous,
out of control, knife-wielding hobo lunatic.
"It's not enough to find a pair of your daughter's blood-soaked
panties in the drifter handyman's cargo pocket before you
call out the lynch mob," Doty said. "There's always
a simple explanation and usually it involves some kind of
cut they got on their finger -- and a conveniently-placed
piece of cloth they used to stop the flow of blood."
Added Doty, "if a drifter handyman should ask you or
your child to leave town and become involved in a polygamist
relationship, just politely say no, and then have him spackle
your walls. They're really good at that."
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