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Los Angeles, CA— Tough-guy actor Robert Blake, acquitted
in the 2001 murder of his wife Bonny Lee Bakely, says he will
keep all his promises he made to God in exchange for his acquittal
no matter how hard it will be.
"I am the luckiest guy on the face of the Earth,"
Blake said. "God and I have an understanding and I'm
really going to try to keep up my end of the bargain.
I'm going to stop being so darn angry all the time. I ain't
got nothing to be angry about -- I just got away with capital
murder. I'm not going to San Quentin, I'm going to fucking
Disneyland!"
Blake quickly apologized for swearing after
he was reminded by lawyer James Thomas that he promised God
he would refrain from using expletives.
"I promised God I'd be nicer and 'more
girly' if I got acquitted and I'm really going to try,"
Blake said from his home where the television set has been
tuned to the Oxygen Network since last week. "No more
hanging out in pool halls, brothels or gun shops. I'm a new
man. So who wants a nonalcoholic apple martini? Anyone? Fine,
more for me!"
According to Blake, since he was first charged
with Bakely's murder, he has made dozens and dozens of promises
to God in exchange for a not-guilty verdict and he plans to
keep as many of them as he can remember.
"First, obviously, I promised not to
kill nobody," Blake said. "But then I started making
promises about not kicking homeless people or stray animals.
I also promised I would not threaten people or pay other people
to kill for me.
"I told God when I got released I would
always back down from a fight and instead, extend my hand
as a peace gesture. I promised I would eat more vegetables
and stop watching movies with violent gangsters or corrupt
police officers, unless I was starring in it.
"I promised to take down the old 'Little
Rascals' sign that says 'No Girls Allowed' and change the
policy to allow women as long as they're not dirty, dirty
whores. That also means I gotta stop dating dirty, dirty whores.
I'm going to be really sweet to them and compliment them all
the time and say things like, 'you are really cute, I really,
really would like to have a date with you,' instead of just
throwing them in the back of my car and choking them during
sex.
"Finally, if I'm lucky enough to work
again, I promised God to only accept roles where I can be
super-lovable like Michael Landon or Tom Hanks and only take
parts where I have to cry a lot or save kids from burning
buildings."
"I've really turned over a new leaf.
Now who wants one of these fucking Apple Martinis? I ain't
askin' again.
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