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Washington, DC — With Terri Schiavo's case moving
through the courts as her life holds in the balance, Congress
has taken another unusual step in its unprecedented involvement
in the eating habits of Americans, by demanding the Olsen
Twin's feeding tube be reinserted immediately.
After three hours of emotional debate, the U.S. House voted
135-96 early today to send President Bush a bill aimed at
prolonging the lives of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
Despite largescale protests, the bill, sponsored
by House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, must now be approved
by a Beverly Hills district court judge, who holds the key
to whether the twins should live or die.
"We realize public sentiment is very
much divided, but no matter how we feel about the acting ability
of the Olsen Twins, we should still make every attempt to
save them," DeLay said. "Someday, with new medical
therapies they may grow up to lead a normal life."
In the streets of Manhattan where the twins
are studying at New York University, everyone seems to have
an opinion about the case.
"I've seen a couple of their movies and
they walk and talk as if they understand stuff," cabdriver
Vinnie D'Angelino said. "I think that in a few years
there might be some kind of medical miracle that can let them
speak and communicate almost like normal people. We should
give them a chance at life. Or not. Whatever."
"I think they should definitely be put
out of their misery," said NYU graduate student Bill
Gergin. "They may look like they understand us, but they
clearly are just two robots who just mimick words like parrots.
And they have small breasts. It's unfair to keep them alive."
Publicist Michael Pagnotta refused to speculate
about what the judge will do but indicated that previous bouts
with eating disorders and dozens of poor quality direct-to-video
mystery solving movies, may sway a jury.
"We understand that 'New York Minute'
was not well received -- especially in New York," Pagnotta
said. "That's why we requested a venue change to Beverly
Hills. Only a judge can decide if the twins should live or
die, but I've known the girls for years and when they're off
camera, they grunt and blink as if they want to live. But
really, who knows for sure."
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