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HOLLYWOOD, CA — After three years of a very public
romance, teen pop idol Britney Spears and N'Sync's Justin
Timberlake have decided to split, leaving an opening for millions
of delusional men who hope to fill Spears' emotional void.
The celebration was heard from men all over America when
Spears' publicist confirmed the rumors were actually true.
"We are asking the public and the media to give the Britney
some privacy at this moment," said Jive Records executive
Paula Unger. "This is a very difficult time for her and
I'm sure she needs some space."
Eddie "The Stick" Clondike, an inmate at the federal
penitentiary in Marion, IL, was smiling ear to ear when he
heard the announcement and has no intention of honoring Unger's
request. Within a few minutes, the entire wing of block C-1
was in a party mood.
"I'm so excited I'm not sure what to do first,"
Clondike said. "I think a polite letter explaining my
intentions would probably be the most appropriate. Then, after
a few weeks of correspondence, and good behavior on my part,
I might get permission for a conjugal visit. I've already
offered my cellmate, Big Chuck, three cans of soup and 12
cigarettes if he'd put in a good word to the warden on my
behalf."
Others around the country had similar delusions. At the Kappa
Sigma house at Syracuse University, several brothers also
expressed hopes of dating the singer and Pepsi spokeswoman
in the coming months.
"After I graduate I'm thinking about going to California
for a visit," said junior Seth Kaplan. "Maybe I'll
run into her at a dance club and she'll like the fact that
I'm not an arrogant celebrity and want to date me. I saw that
in a movie once."
Kaplan then excused himself to his room and dead-bolted the
door, claiming he had finals in a few months and needed to
study.
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