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Washington, D.C. — Government scientists announced an
amazing technological breakthrough in the field of sophisticated
eyewear today, with a new line of sunglasses that claim to
filter out the harsh glare of the poor and homeless.
Speaking at press conference, Biotechnologies engineer Clark
Duncan explained the government-sponsored program began when
Senators complained about being forced to make eye contact
with vagrants loitering and panhandling outside their offices.
"Our five year goal was to produce a pair of fashionable
sunglasses that when worn would block out 100% of ultraviolet
light and about 75% of homeless people," Duncan said.
"We were absolutely delighted to learn that we had gotten
that figure up to about 95%."
The glasses utilize a tiny but highly sophisticated computer
chip along with a chemically-treated glass than can both protect
the eyes from the dangerous rays of the sun and also shade
nearly all sad and/or glaring looks from downtrodden street
people.
According to Duncan, the first models will only be used for
government and military purposes, but they are very excited
about releasing them to the general consumer market sometime
in 2004. Meanwhile, they are working on new features that
might eventually be able to block out both poor and
ugly people. Once they perfect that, they will attempt to
block out crime altogether.
"It’s like having a trendy disco bouncer for your
eyes. The glasses are the red velvet rope that only lets in
the beautiful people, Duncan said. "If only we could
do something about the smell - then we'd really be in business."
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