UMM QASR - Calling the move "despicable" and "cowardly," Iraqi officials are once again seeking help from the United Nations after it was discovered that Coalition Forces were unfairly dispensing handfuls of candy Skittles to eager children throughout the Iraqi countryside. "This transparent effort by the 'Great Satan' to make the sons and daughters of Iraq too overweight and hyperglycemic to fight will never work," said Iraq information minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf. Iraqi officials threatened to retaliate with tens of thousands of KitKat bars secretly procured by French-owned candy maker Nestlé. France would not immediately return our phone calls.

American Rachel Corrie was run over by an Israeli bulldozer last week. Here the "martyr" shows how to properly burn a U.S. flag.

BAGHDAD - With diplomacy over and an all-but-certain war on the horizon, hundreds of American protesters and peace activists in Iraq are now acting as "human shields," blaming their questionable fate on a failed U.S. foreign policy and bad advice by school guidance counselors. "The reason I'm here is because the U.S. policy of aggression and imperialism has failed," said Brian Ledger of Omaha, Nebraska. "Also, my guidance counselor suggested this was something I might be good at." More»

Where in the [Arab] World is Bob From Accounting??

click on photo to find Bob

EDITOR'S RANT

3.26.03 — War. What is it good for? This has been a difficult week for the BFA staff. As reporters -- even satirists -- we try very hard to maintain an even balance of our coverage. That means we always try to give equal time to bashing both liberals and conservatives and we don't immediately jump down the throat of Hollywood war protesters like filmmaker Michael Moore for their beliefs --even if we vehemently disagree with them. Now, it might be interesting to note that Michael Moore is a friend of BFA. He has posted our articles on his website numerous times. We love his movies and his written works and find him to be extremely funny and talented. So for that reason, I'm not going to make any comments about his somewhat over-the-top diatribe at the Oscars Sunday night. I'm not going to go on and on about the inappropriateness of his comments or how he doesn't speak for the majority of Americans. I'm just going to say that he is very, very fat and unattractive and I'm sad for anyone that is forced to view him naked. I'm sure both sides of the political spectrum would agree. See, that's balance.

This week we learned once again how difficult it is to write funny stories about tragedy. That's why we're staying away from it altogether. We're not going to mention how badly we want Diane Sawyer to be captured and enslaved by the Iraqis. We're not going to point out the absurdity of broadcasting veteran Ted Koppel riding along on an Abrams tank, carrying nothing but a gasmask and three cans of hairspray. We're certainly not going to mention that our success in a ground war may be directly proportional to the amount of sand imbedded in the asscracks of our troops. No, instead, we're giving you a straight "best of war" issue from the past year and a half.

During the next week or so, I would like you to read all the old stuff and think hard about what this war means and why we are fighting. Think about the soldiers overseas and our responsibility to our country and world around us. Think about words like democracy and freedom and honor and what they mean and how we take them for granted everyday. Then, imagine being forced to view Michael Moore without pants. It's no contest.

Scooter

Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell.

SHIZZY'S MAILBAG  

**New letters 3.26.03

1970's Chinese action star, Yu Weng Po (aka Jimmy Wang) offers advice for losers, substance abusers and flabby, out-of-shape Americans.

ASK YU  **New column 3.19.03

Get dating and relationship advice from Debby, the somewhat bitter, mediocre-looking friend of several really hot chicks.

Read Debby's Column