Bob From Accounting: "Life as a Trainwreck"

BOB NOMINATES TONY DANZA FOR REPLACEMENT POPE

Reprinted from Bob's Journal

April 6, 2005

Dear Journal,

The Pope died this week. I saw on CNN they had him laying on a table in his best clothes and millions of people walked by to show their respects. I tried to think about the Pope and all his contributions to the world, but all I could do was imagine him suddenly sitting up while the mourners walked by. That would be so freaky.

Then I started to wonder if he was wearing underwear under those clothes -- and if so, what kind? I tried so hard not to think about it, but the harder I tried, the more I wondered. In my head, I went through a long list of every style of underwear he could have been wearing under those fancy Pope clothes, and I just drew a blank. None of them seemed very Pope-like at all. Then, finally, I stopped thinking about the underwear thing and started wondering if the Pope ever went to his high school reunions when he was alive, and if so, did he ever show off because he had a good job and the popular kid in school was now driving the short bus for a bunch of Polish retarded kids?

Finally, I thought about who the next Pope would be and if there ever would be a American Pope. If I could choose the next Pope, it would definitely be Tony Danza, He would make a fantastic Pope. He's Catholic, he speaks Italian, and he's almost as beloved as the guy who just died. If Tony Danza were Pope, he would know just when to be funny and when to be tough. It would be like the old Pope never left. To be honest, I think Tony Danza is way more interesting and charming then any Pope I've ever seen. I realize he has a talk show now but I'm guessing if they offered him the Pope job, he'd quit.

William Shatner would also work but I think he's Jewish.

OBITUARY: TERRI SCHIAVO LIVED EVERY DAY AS IF IT WERE HER LAST

Terri Schiavo finally died last week after a contentious public battle and more than ten days after doctors removed her feeding tube. Friends and loved ones were saddened to hear the news but agreed she lived every single day as if it were her last. "No more mountain climbing, deep sea fishing or traveling around the world for Terri," said one friend. "Just thinking about her life makes me want to jump out of an airplane."

Results from the autopsy were inconclusive but doctors agreed Schiavo was "really, really thirsty."

** 4.6.05 - All New Advice Column by "Dear Debby"

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