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Dear Satan,
Thanks for the birthday card and
the new lettuce crisper. Tupperware, BAM! I just wanted to thank
youz you for all that great success you handed me over the
past couple of years. I'm really grateful for all of that, don't
get me wrong, but we gotta have a little powwow if you don't mind.
Here's the thing - lately I'm having
a problem -how should I say this -cranking it up another notch.
Frankly, Satan, I think I'm like pretty much out of notches and
I'm not sure what to do about it.
When I signed that contract with
you after I dumped my last wife and abandoned my kid, I thought
everything was like totally under control and you really inspired
me with that 'BAM' thing. That was a great idea. Thanks.
Lately though, like I said, that
TV show was cancelled and like, I think maybe people don't like
me anymore. When I say BAM! now, it's like they don't even jump
in their seats like they used to.
Anyways, I've been looking at this
contract, and it says "For the remainder of his days, Emeril
Lagasse will be widely respected and renown as a creator of unique,
delicious cuisine and have lots of money and chicks, blah, blah,
blah."
OK, the thing is, I got all that,
but like I said, I'm having a problem kicking it up another notch
and the ladies aren't so happy about that if you knowz what I'm
saying. BAM! Was this supposed to be some kind of joke?
And then, of course, there's "Emeril",
the TV show. This was supposed to satisfy the part of my contract
that entitles me to "a prime-time sitcom on a non-cable network
that will make viewers laugh." When we talked last time, you
pointed out that the contract never said how long it would last,
and I conceded that point but now their they are whispering
and laughing and saying things like "Emeril can't act."
BAM! Anyway, I'd be content at this point with just making people
stop laughing, if you don't mind, please.
I can tell you're a demon of your
word, so I'm sure you'll want to do everything youz can to maximize
the amount of BAM! I get out of this deal we made. BAM! After all,
we're talking about my soul here. BAM! The soul of a master chef
has to be worth something extra to you, what with all the BAM! murderers
and BAM! single mothers you got down there. You gonna tell me any
of THEM can cook Mulligatawny for you and your demonic minions like
I could?
BAM!
Emeril Lagasse
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