How to Explain War to Your [Retarded] Children

by BFA Staff Writers

War is never easy to explain to children. It's even harder to explain to retarded children. As parents, we feel the need to reassure our kids that everything will be all right, but if your children are retarded, they will never be able to function normally in society no matter how much you reassure them. Therefore, the editors of Bobfromaccounting.com have put together a step-by-step guide on how to confront this delicate topic.

Telling your slow child about the war is often difficult because, let's face it, they're retarded. They don't understand politics and conflict and international disarmament treaties. If your retard has asked about what is happening on TV, this is a great sign and you should be proud. This shows that your retard can identify the difference between Barney and dismembered Iraqi soldiers. Congratulations.

Even so, the scenes of death may confuse retards. Telling your child about the perils of armed conflict may be frustrating if they haven't yet graduated to using a fork. It is your responsibility as a parent to explain to your retarded children that war happens when smart people are angry at other smart people. Explain further that retarded children are never involved in armed conflict, nor are they allowed to join the armed forces, so they have nothing to worry about. Then distract them with your index finger or a pencil while you switch the channel.

If this approach doesn't work, you may be forced to give a more detailed explanation. The best way to approach the subject is to use sock puppets. The great thing about retarded children is that if there isn't a sock nearby you can again resort to just pretending with your bare finger. Retards just love a good puppet show. Explain with your George W. Bush puppet that Saddam Hussein is mean and has a hidden cache of deadly chemical and biological weapons he plans to unleash on his enemies --and George W. Bush is trying to find those weapons and get some nice oil contracts at the same time, all the while pissing off the French.

The most important thing to remember about your puppet show is to make sure you keep the child's attention. The way you do this is with cheese. Retarded kids love cheese and you can keep their attention for hours as long as you don't run out of cheese. Kraft Singles work the best because retards like the square shape and if they're not hungry, they still enjoy slapping themselves with the slices or wearing them like a hat.

The play might begin with a simple debate between the puppets -- make sure to clearly establish the George W Bush puppet as good and the Saddam Hussein puppet as evil. But do not get carried away and scare your retard, as they lose control of their bladders much easier than normal kids. Also, make sure to leave plenty of time to explain that sock puppets only talk when mommy and daddy use them -- and retarded children should not try talking to socks without parental supervision -- especially in public or when you have guests over.

If you've managed to explain the basics to your retarded child and you have deluded yourself into thinking they fully grasp the concepts you've laid out so far, you can add those little green army men to your puppet show. It is very important not to leave your retarded child alone with army men because they will eat them or hide them in their pants.

Clearly show that some of the green army men will play the part of the Iraqi military and the larger, more technically advanced troops will play the Coalition soldiers. Engage the two sides in mock battle. It's important to illustrate that the American side is smart like Mommy and Daddy and the Iraqi side is slow like your retarded child. This is vital because you don't want your retarded child to think the Coalition will lose the war. Since the occupation of Baghdad seems to be weeks away, you can leave out the whole transitional government part. Your kid wouldn't understand that anyway. And parents, have fun with this because being the parent of a retard is generally pretty shitty.

At this point, your special child should know the basics. But keep in mind that after his ice cream cone he won't remember anything you just told him, so be prepared to repeat all the steps outlined above. Also, feel free to lie. Lying to retarded children is okay because they won't remember and they will have difficulty proving you wrong at a future date.

Now that your retarded child is no longer confused or scared by what's happening in Iraq, he or she can finally get back to being fascinated by their reflection in the toaster. And with your parenting ordeal over, you can get back to trying to unload your retarded kid on some poor babysitter.

Some Reminders:

*Don't get bogged down in the details of the battle no matter how much you've deluded yourself into thinking your retarded child "finally gets it."

*Make sure to have plenty of Kraft Singles available as a reward. Retarded children love cheese.

*So they won't forget, repeat all steps every single day until war ends.

*Lying to retarded children is perfectly acceptable because they won't remember anyway.

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