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Scranton,
PA -- For Jason Rothberg, life has always consisted of a
series of difficult choices. An atheist who refuses to acknowledge
any religious or political affiliation, the 17-year-old high
school senior has struggled his entire life to find unique ways
in which to express himself. His upcoming suicide attempt is
no different.
"I dunno, I have a couple more weeks of planning at
least," said Rothberg while filling out college applications
—which he insists he's only doing to make his parents
happy. "My safety schools are Michigan and Penn State,
but I won't be able to attend since I will have already left
this world in a fiery blaze of glory."
Rothberg concedes he's made similar statements to both friends
and family many times before, but says that was months before
he realized how truly misunderstood he was by "the oppressive
conventions of the white establishment." He also realizes
that he should probably keep it to himself this time.
"I promise you a suicide that will blow the lid off
this town," Rothberg said as he signed his applications
in fake blood he purchased at a local costume shop. "This
time I will only tell a few of my closest friends and family
members so that nobody will find out my plans and try to stop
me."
Rothberg says that he's not going to drive his car off a
6th story parking garage like he initially thought, because
he just read last week it had already been done many times.
"Some stockbroker just did it last year," Rothberg
says with obvious resentment. "I need to think outside
the box. I don't have all these piercings and black clothes
for nothing."
Even though Rothberg wrote his college essay on Satanism,
he insists he's not a Satanist -- he just likes the way they
dress and enjoys some of their music.
"I've outgrown Satanism. Currently I'm looking into
Wiccan and other Paganist ritual self-sacrifices. Right now
I'm just doing research since I'm going to need several rare
ingredients and be able to write a cryptic suicide note in
an obscure 4th century language which will take police officers
and university professors several years to decipher. At that
point, I will be famous and my ex-girlfriend will wish she
didn't dump me for Larry Majors."
Rothberg says there is no chance of him backing out of a
suicide attempt even if his ex-girlfriend decides to take
him back.
"Maybe if I get into Duke, I'll hold off for a semester
or two. But I'm definitely not going to rush a fraternity.
That's for sure."
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