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Richmond, VA— According to findings released
by the Evangelical Center of Richmond, Jesus Christ is much
more popular immediately following a random killing spree,
which may account for his recently inflated approval ratings
-- and all those dead bodies.
"Right now Jesus' approval rating is at an all-time
high," head researcher Brian Maelstrom said. "He's
pretty much floating on his popularity since the Brian Nichols
shootings. He really can do no wrong in the eyes of the scared
shitless, quasi-religious sect."
The five year study shows that Jesus' likability factor is
directly proportional to how many people are killed by gun-toting
maniacs, and his popularity seems to taper during times of
relative peace and tranquility. Additionally, those who frequently
watch CNN and other 24-hour news channels are twice as likely
to utter his name aloud than those who watch MTV or The Style
Network.
The study, with a 4% margin of error, and based on both telephone
surveys and other anecdotal evidence, suggests Jesus almost
always reaps the benefits of random violent killings, putting
Jesus' approval rating at an all-time high of 98.7% just after
a recent series of shootings at a D.C.-area office building.
Conversely, Jesus gained just two percentage points after
a string of non-violent burglaries in suburban Arlington last
summer, and then it seemed to dissipate even further during
a brief time last month when everyone was pretty much not
going around shooting each other
Unfortunately, religious leaders are unsure of what to do
with the new information.
"We're thrilled that everyone is evoking the name of
our Holy Father but we're in no way advocating that others
continue to shoot or maim their neighbors, coworkers or classmates
just so Jesus is still everyone's favorite," Church of
God Spokesman Steve Bernardo said. "I'm confident that
if Jesus were alive today and not murdered by a blood-thirsty
crowd of idol worshippers 2000 years ago, he would most likely
not approve of this violence in his name."
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