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Well, it took a while, but the problem with sex-starved priests
molesting children has finally reached the "enough is
enough" point. Not for me, of course. But other people
seem to be very upset.
So the world is now clamoring for the Catholic Church to
punish these priests and acknowledge the fact that priests
simply cannot live under the strict rules the Church forces
them to follow. Some Catholics are interested in lifting the
celibacy requirements, so that their sexual needs can be fulfilled
in more healthy, human ways. Think "missionary position."
Hey, it even sounds religious.
Well, I got just one thing to say -- what about the nuns?
When I was enrolled at St. Catherine's primary school, 3rd
period English class was all about Sister Breasty -- I mean
Betsy. Sister Betsy. Talk about one prime piece of sister!
She had a body under that dowdy black robe that ...well I
imagine it was nice. But then again, who knows. I was just
12.
It pains me to think about where Sister Breasty is today.
She's probably exactly where she was then, teaching the same
class, except the best years of her nubile youth gave way
to middle-aged sagginess, and her bitter, companionless life
left her sour-faced and mean like all the rest of the battle-axes
over at St. Catherine's. No long walks on the beach with Mr.
Right. No robe-hiking romps in the hay with Mr. Right-Now.
No ribald "Truth or Dare" parties with the boys
down at the Benedictine monastery. Just a lifetime of service,
quiet prayer, and loneliness. Jeez, what a waste!
It's a proven fact that the nun population has been dwindling
for years. Why you think that is? Because, as the internet
should have taught us all by now, hot, wild, nubile, barely
legal young teens want to PARTY with no holes barred (get
it? hee hee) But that doesn't make them evil, that just makes
them human. Right??
We're losing the best and brightest Catholic girls coming
out of school because they're saying "Man, I really feel
the call to serve the Lord and my church...but I really REALLY
feel the call to get my freak on, dirty-style!" And so
the girl goes off to college, boozes it up, does every brother
in the Kappa Alpha house, and ends up becoming a music teacher
. Sorry, mankind! There's one more bright, caring, hot, nubile,
young would-be nun that won't be performing any acts of charity
on you.
But imagine what it would be like if those nuns finally got
to take off the chastity belts? Hide and watch how quickly
the world's godless heathens rush back to swell the cathedral
pews. Imagine every church with a choir like in Sister Act,
except they're all young and sexy and right out of a Kid Rock
video. And what better way to attract young men to the priesthood?
Let's see...would you rather have a mundane desk job, or live
in a rent-free house and hang out with hot nuns all day?
Here's my resignation papers, boss...I'm taking the vows
TODAY! I hope you're reading this, Pope John Paul II, because
this is an idea whose time has come. It's time to set our
nuns' libidos free, and bring the concept of sexy nuns out
of the fetish web sites and into reality. It'll be good for
the clergy, the Church -- everybody. And Sister Breasty, if
you're out there...I've been a bad boy lately. Call me when
this chastity thing blows over, and let's talk about punishment.
Rrawr.
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Photo:
Nuns are sexy if you just give 'em a chance, says Matthews
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